Monday, December 31, 2012

2013: Ready or not, here I come

The past is the past.  It is hard to leave it there.  I constantly hold onto my three "offical" chemical pregnancies, because I use this as a source of hope, a source of hurt and source of yearning.  Why can't I keep the past in the past?  Perhaps, my emotional wellbeing would be in a better state.

When I look back at 2012 I think of all the ups and downs.  The ups:  renewing my relationship with B, enjoying my job, and nursing a kitten to life, renewed hope in transfer to RE.  The downs:  failed IUIs, failed IVF, failure is a hard thing to accept.  But in the same time, better than 2011 that began and ended with a miscarriage.

I am completely terrified of what 2013 has in store.  I am terrified of our FET.  But 2013 and the FET are coming and I can't stop it.  I shouldn't be terrified because of what could happen, I need to be hopeful for what might happen.  In the end, I know that what's the worst case scenario- I'm in the same boat I am now. 

I guess I'm ready for a new year, but how do I let go?  How do I let go of 2012?  or even before?  How do I let go of my fears?

Happy 2013 to everyone!  To all of my friends in the infertile community, maybe this will be our year!  Trying to think of only positives.... 

Friday, December 28, 2012

FET Consult with Doc

Today we met with the doctor.  She seemed even more aggravated that the IVF didn't work for us, but she said, "we are going to get this to work for ya'll."  It makes me feel great that I have a doctor with the same determination and drive that we do.  I got to visit with the camera dildo and my uterus is back to normal, and my ovaries have some residual from the ivf cycle but it's getting back to normal.  So I remain on active birth control pills until Feb 11.  I begin Lupron February 5.  I will also begin the whole estrogen regime; this time I'll be using the patch and the pills.  We will have a lining check on February 28, so hopefully everything looks great.  Depending on how my lining looks will determine when we do the transfer. 

I asked the doctor if we should transfer two or three because two didn't work.  She said that these are hardier because the ones we transfered at day 3 and only 8 cells, while the ones we will be transferring will be about 100 cells, so she recommeneded just transfering two.  I feel a lot more optimistic about this cycle.  I've been exercising, so hopefully this will help too.  With the ivf cycle, I put everything on hold, gained some weight (admittingly comfort food eater).  So anyways, I'm going to lose weight and get in good shape, so that if I do become pregnant, I will be as healthy as possible.

Anyways, looks like I'll be doing an March FET. 

Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas Everyone

It's been a trying couple of days with the whole failed IVF.  I keep reminiscing how 2012 was suppose to be my year and how 2011 was suppose to be my year.  I honestly do not know or think that 2013 is going to be my year.  I would like to think so, but this optimistic attitude does nothing but break each failed cycle.  My husband tries so hard to be supportive, he says, "We'll have our turn."  Yeah maybe if life was full of sugar plums, rainbows and unicorns, but in the end reality check: life isn't fair.  Taking turns and sharing is fair, but life isn't that way.

I have used all my sick days on IVF and IUI's, so now I'm kind of stuck.  I think I'm going to try to schedule the FET during Spring Break, so I won't have to miss many days of school.  Plus, I read a statistic of IVF that it is more successful in the spring, then summer, then fall, and least successful in winter.  I don't know if it will help, but all I can do is try.

Yesterday, we visited one of my good friends, she's like a baby sister to me.  She has her child, A who is a sassy little 1.5 year old.  I just love her to pieces.  A latched on to me, and when she was getting tired she wanted ME to hold her.  I don't know what it is about a child's head, but when they rest it on your heart, it instantly melts it.  While I had fun, I couldn't help but wonder will I ever get my own?  Always the Aunt, never the mother.

Tonight, we go to the inlaws to visit.  I think this will be harder because there will be a newborn baby.  B's cousin just had theirs, and it just is kind of a downer to any infertile when someone conceives accidently.  What I wouldn't do to be in that situation.  Instead, I get rounds of medication that suppose to help, or even the whole going scientist on your ass with the IVF, but still nothing.  It sucks! 

So anyways, to get my mind preoccupied... We have made our game plan of when to move on to the next step.  It may take time, because of the medical discrimination amongst infertiles who have to pay for their medical costs, but that's another posting.  We have decided to the FET, and if that doesn't work, we'll do a total of two more fresh IVF and the FET that it allows.  If that doesn't work, we'll move on to something else.

Now in the ideal world and the FET works, I've made a plan to get out of debt.  I have a plan laid out to pay off the infertility loan by December 2013.  Then pay off the car by December 2014.  Then pay off the house within 10 years.  But that's in the whole ideal world where there won't be added bills, or more fertility costs. 

Anyways, I just wanted to wish a Merry Christmas to everyone!!!

Friday, December 21, 2012

Emotionally better

I feel emotionally better today.  I know that it is not the end all of cycles.  I will continue to try and what's the worst case scenario?  I'll be in the same boat I am now.  What's the best case scenario?  I will get pregnant, stay pregnant and deliver a healthy baby and enjoy it.  I think the worst is how I am now- I will survive.  It's the best that I'm hoping for, but there will be more cycles.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

More to the story

I was correct in my thoughts.  I am in fact having a chemical pregnacy or early miscarriage.  I'm suppose to go back on Wednesday to verify that my hcg levels are at 0. 

I'm suppose to go ahead and start my birth control since I'm bleeding so heavy.  I absolutely hate birth control pills.  Nothing personally but they drain the sex life.  I mean here I am going through their pseudo menapausal state and the side effect that is the understatement of a lifetime is vaginal dryness.  I can try lube, but it only seems like the vag absorbs it or perhaps it's so dry it evaporates that quickly.  Uggh!

I'm also suppose to call back and schedule another appointment for FET.  I asked the doctor point blank, "If we put in the two best embryos, what are the odds that the others will even work?"  The doctor was stunned that it didn't work for us, but said ultimately, it comes down to having a 50% chance.  1/2 of the time it doesn't.  She also said that those were the two best embryos on day 3, but they are frozen on day 5 or 6.  We had five frozen, and three of them are graded as AA, 1 is AB, and 1 is BC.  I would really like for this to work, but I'm very doubtful.  The fresh didn't work.  I had a chemical.  So now, I need to find out is it better to do it sooner than later and if FMLA will cover days that I need to be off work to complete this.  I have exhausted almost all of my days for two IUIs and an IVF.  Part of me would rather go ahead and do the FET sooner, so if it doesn't work, I can use the summer vacation to do another fresh cycle.  Luckily, I purchased 1 cycle plus 1, but I also have to do the FET in a certain amount of time. 

I guess what bothers me the most is that I continue to get my hopes up.  After everything.  Like we did this cycle in december.  Every December I tend to have an early miscarriage.  I thought well this would show that third times a charm.  Instead, December decided to show me three strikes your out.  I also think it is funny, in a not so funny way, in regards to literature, we always discuss winter as a symbol for death, ending, etc.  Kind of ironic when I apply it to my pregnancies.  Winter encompasses my heart.


Today we went to the doctors.  We found out that our IVF cycle was not successful which I kind of knew anyways.  It sucks!  I'll post more at a later date, just really down today.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I just don't know what to think

I finally got a second line on my FRER hpt on 10dp3dt on a stupid defective test; that is right, a defective test.  Where the line was suppose to be it was a hollow line.  It looked liked there were two pink lines and then the control line, so I didn't get my hopes up. 

I begin spotting the mauve color that comes with every pregnancy I have ever had the next day.  Later of course, I begin to bleed and cramp the next day.  Really hoping I'm not having another miscarriage.  It shouldn't be the progesterone levels because I'm taking supplements of that.

I go to the doctor's tomorrow where they'll draw blood and do a urine test.  I'm afraid my hcg levels will be unusally low.  So low, they will tell me I am infact not pregnant.  Or low, that it looks like it is not viable.  Or that it is positive, but we will need to continue to monitor it. 

I am hoping they are great and they double within two days.  I don't think this will be the case.  The FRER are still pretty light and I would be the equivilant of 14dpo, so surely it would be similar to the control line.  Infertility sucks!

Saturday, December 15, 2012


I have started the craze aspect of POAS.  I want to have time to absorb a positive or negative before the doctor's appointment, so that I will have quesitons prepared to ask.  I know some people will judge me and say to wait until the doctor's appointment, but I think that would cause me greater stress.

Right now, everything is negative.  I know it is early, but I also know I have a history of negative tests, so why should this be any different.  I would love to get a positive, but I need the poas to keep me grounded.  I also know that I would be equivilent to 10dpo, and the notion of getting a positive is not out of this world.  I also know that frer advertises that you can see a positive 6 days before missed period; that would have been yesterday. 

I'm really going to be bummed if this doesn't work.  Probably a little heartbroken, but I will get through it.  I think a lot of times in the infertility community, fertiles and outsiders don't realize the strength it takes, and the only reason we muster the strength is because we have no other option. 

My doctor's appointment is this Thursday.  Luckily, I have a lot of things I can work on for work to keep my mind preoccupied some.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

We have 5 frosties!

I recieved our call this morning.  We were able to freeze five embryos.  Hopefully, this is a good sign of things to come.

Monday, December 10, 2012

IVF calculator Pregnancy Due Date and Fetal Development Calculator

Congratulations, you should be 2 weeks, 5 days, pregnant!
First beta:
December 20, 2012
Singleton Due Date:August 28, 2013
Twins By Ave Gestation:
August 06, 2013
Triplets By Ave Gestation:July 10, 2013
Quads By Ave Gestation:July 03, 2013
Embryo Retrieval and Transfer - By standard traditional measure you are beginning the third week of pregnancy and the two-week wait to confirm it.

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (PUPO)

Egg/Sperm Fusion
6-7 days
9-10 days
December 06, 2012
Embryo Formation
December 12, 2012
Implantation Start
December 16, 2012
Implantation Complete

Trimester Stages

by Development
by Gestation
by Conception
Begin 2nd Trimester
February 13, 2013
Begin 2nd Trimester
February 23, 2013
Begin 2nd Trimester
March 04, 2013
Begin 3rd Trimester
May 29, 2013
Begin 3rd Trimester
May 27, 2013
Begin 3rd Trimester
June 01, 2013

Typical Prenatal Testing Periods

January 30, 2013February 13, 2013
Nuchal Translucency
February 06, 2013February 26, 2013
March 13, 2013March 27, 2013
Gestational Diabetes
May 08, 2013June 05, 2013

Approximate Stages of Embryo/Fetal Development

Embryo Development
Cardiac Contraction Begins
December 28, 2012
Limb Buds Forming
January 01, 2013
End Embryo Stage
January 16, 2013

Fetal Development
U/S Heartbeat Detected
January 09, 2013
Brainwaves Begin
January 22, 2013
Essential Structures Complete
January 30, 2013
Movement Begins
February 27, 2013
Fetus May Suck Thumb
April 24, 2013
Maternal Sounds Recognized
May 08, 2013

Found this great calculator at

I know I shouldn't be obsessed, but I can't help it.  This kind of relaxes me as I know that implantation hasn't even started, which helps keep me chilled in the whole notion of when to test or not to test.  Of course, seeing all this info, based on my egg retrieval lets me know that it may not have even be done implanting until the end of the week.  Obviously, it is way to early to know if this worked, so here's to the best.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Transfer Day

We had our transfer today. We had two 8 celled embryos, 1 7 celled embryo, 1 6celled embryo, 3 5 celled embryo and 1 four celled embryo.  They transferred the two 8 celled, and now we wait to see if the others make it to freezing.  I'm really praying that this works for us.  I think I'm going to have to give up facebook for a while.  Everyone is freaking pregnant, and I'm happy for them, but it makes me sad about own situation.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Fertilization Report

They retrieved 17 eggs.  Out of the eggs, 12 were healthy.  With the help of ICSI, 11 have been fertilized.  Kind of excited!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Egg Retrieval Day

Had to be at the doctors by 8:15AM, without drinking anything.  I'm half fish, because I love drinking water.  I was a lot lessed stressed than I imagined.  They called me back.  When I had to change into my gowns, there was a wall that said, "I am one with my ovaries and at peace with my uterus."  I kind of felt that way.  I know we are doing everything we can.

They were able to retrieve 17 eggs, and it looks like 14 were good quality.  So now I wait until tomorrow to get the fertilization report.

During this time, B had his fun in a cup.  He's been taking vitamins for the past 3 months that are suppose to improve sperm quality, county, and motility.  His motility had improved, but his quality drastically shot down.  Usually, he has 12% normal morphology which is in the borderline abnormal stage.  Today, it was only 1%.  That really sucks, because part of me was hoping that as time moved on and his balls had longer time to heal from the variocele removal the better his sperm would be, and perhaps we might be able to actually find out what it's like to have an accident.  The results kind of reaffirmed the fact that that specific hope needs to float away.

I think part of it is having family members who don't understand the numbers game with play with our sperm analysis.  We get to hear things like sure you'll have ivf now, but I can see in a couple years you having accidents.  Yeah right!  Part of me feels like I let my family down because I can't conceive the natural way.

Don't worry, I post tomorrow after I get the fertilization report.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Drug Related Meltdown

I'm suppose to do the trigger shot tonight at exactly 11 PM.  I cleaned the countertops, and was getting all my ducks in a row.  Grabbed my bag I took to the doctors so they could draw up my hcg trigger, and low and behold my syringes are gone.  I begin to bawl (I'm pretty sure it's the hormones) because I screwed this up.  The only thing I can think of is when I gave them the hcg if it accidently fell out at that point.  Luckily, MIL is a nurse and SIL is a vet, so I'm able to get a syringe, but seriously?! 

Egg Retrieval Date Set

Today we went into the doctors.  Looks like I have 8-10 follicles per ovary.  They are perfect sized, so I'll take my trigger shot tonight and we'll have the egg retrieval on Wednesday.

Friday, November 30, 2012

3rd follicle scan

Today, we went in for our third follicle scan.  So far, I have 8 follicles developing on both ovaries, so hopefully, each one will lead to a healthy egg and then a total of 16 healthy embryos.  The doctor said my lining looked "perfect."

My culture came back positive for strep B, so I will be adding antiobodics to my daily routine.  I also get to start my second shots to prevent me from ovulating because one of my follicles is 14 mm.  I'll go back in on Monday to do bloodwork and follicle scan. 

The doctor said that the earliest we would do my egg retrieval would be on Wednesday of next week; B had his bloodwork done today, so the latest would be Friday.  I'm excited.  I'm a little bummed that it will be even longer before I find out if this cycle was successful.  You'd think infertility would force a person to learn patience- haha yeah right!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

IVF cycle thus far; second follicle scan

I've been shooting up with 250 u of follistim since Thanksgiving.  Today, I went in for my second follicle scan.  Looks like I have 8 follicles on each egg, but they are pretty small.  So I'll be increasing my dosage to 450 u.  I was a little disappointed by the size, and asked my doctor, "Since they are slow growing, does that indicate a problem with my egg quality.  She reassured me that it didn't, and each person is different.  She just wants to push my ovaries to work a little faster.  Great, $800 dollars extra.  My lining is coming in nicely. 

The doctor believes that instead of retrieval on Tuesday, it'll be at the end of the week.  I'm not suppose to start my second shot until Friday, which originally was planned to begin on Tuesday, so I wonder if my retrieval will correspond.  Will my egg retrieval be next Friday instead?  B suppose to give an additional sperm sample on Friday, so we have more to work with and as extra insurance if he were to get a fever and screw his quality of sperm. 

B's dreading the bloodwork, because each time I've gone they had to stick me and go fishing three times.  For a total of 3 appointments, I've been stuck 9 times~  Lucky for him his viens don't roll.

Emotionally, I've been on a rollercoaster.  Sometimes, I feel like this is it.  Our chances are good, this is going to work.  Other times, I'm completely bipolar from that.  I feel like we've already tried so much and statistically, we should have been pregnant already.  Statistically, we shouldn't have had two miscarriages. 

I'm just trying to stay calm and take each day as it comes.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


Doctors Appt:

Today, I had my baseline ivf appointment.  It started with blood pressure and eeks- weight.  I wish my weight number was the same as my blood pressure's top number; oh well.

We had our ultra sound done.  At this stage (CD 4), they like to see four follicles per ovary starting to develop.  Guess who had 7-9 per ovary; that's right this girl (as I point with my thumbs towards myself and show a cheesy smile).  She said this is excellent, and I took it as a positive sign.  My lining is small, but the medicines should plump it up nicely.

Then they took a crap ton of bloodwork.  They had to stick me three times and finally were successful on my hand.  I hate being stuck, so I completely understand my veins reactions to roll away.

Speaking of sticking, I'm excited to begin shooting up hormones tomorrow.  I go back in for another doctor's appointment on Monday.  Yeah!

Shoutout to Scientists:

I am so thankful to science.  Science has come a long way in the infertility world, and it still has a way to go.  I am greatful for science, because had I of had infertility 40 years ago, I wouldn't have all the possible solutions there are today. 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Last week

This is the last week I will be on birth control.  I'm excited.  I've been too busy to really think to much about or update my blog, but I will definitely update soon!  Until then, thinking positively.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Warning to my Mom: Do not read this

Disclaimer:  If you are reading this and happen to be my mother, you will not want to continue reading.  If you continue reading, know it is at your own risk as it talks about my sex life. 

Below is an article that I recently read about the link of crappy sex during the time of IVF.  I have to say, since we've been starting this whole IVF cycle and I'm on birth control pills, my desire is nonexistant.  At first, it was nice because we weren't trying to have kid, but now I really could do without it.  I don't have the desire to have sex, and I think the birth control pills are affecting my hormones because there is very scant lubrication; I know this could be caused by my lack of desire, but it seems like it is more than that.

I just want to be normal.  I want to be a normal fertile, but that hasn't happened, so now I wait for IVF and hope that it works and perhaps after the first trimester, we will be able to have a normal sex life.  I'm apprehensive of having sex during the first trimester because of the prior miscarriages I have had.  I know sex does not cause miscarriages, but can they implicate them?  Can it interfere in the successful implanatation of an embryo?  I'm not willing to risk it!  I'm an deathly afraid I will have another miscarriage.  I can't escape this fear.  Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.  I'll be taking up yoga this week to mellow the mind, destress the bod and hopefully improve circulation to the uterus area.

Article: Sex sucks during ivf

Low fat milk?

Usually, I drink 2% milk.  We love our milk; between my husband and I were go through 2 gallons a week.  I just read an article that low fat milk has been shown to impact fertility in 76% of cases- WHAT?!  The article also shows that drinking whole milk can improve your odds of conception by 25%.  Once the milk jugs are gone, we will be switching to whole milk.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Learning the needles

Last Tuesday, we learned how to use our plethora of medications.  I even had to inject myself.  I know I should probably be watching the whole time, but once I inserted the needle into my stomach I quit looking down.  I had to relook to make sure it was in all the way, and sure enough it was.  So the injections will not be that bad.

We were able to go to the room and see where everything happens.  I'm ready for it to happen.  In exactly one month, if everything goes as timed, we should be getting a report on how many embryos fertilized.

I'm starting to get excited.  On another note, we have all our Christmas shopping for family done- yeah.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012


I have been sick with a cold all week!  I am so over it!  I was taking Robotussin, but it wasn't cutting it, so last night I got drunk on NiteQuil.  I still feel like crap!

On the flip side, today we go to the RE and learn how to use all of our medications!

Sunday, October 28, 2012


I am so excited; I get to learn how to use all the medicine that I bought for the IVF process.  I'm really excited, because this is the highest chance we've had at getting pregnant.  During an IVF cycle, your percentage of pregnancy is 50% at my clinic, while a normal fertile couple doing the old fashioned baby making have a 20%.  We'll be more fertile than the Fertiles! 

I just really hope it works.  I know it's a 1 in 2 chance.  So either it will or it won't.  I really hope it does. 

I spoke to the lady who works in the classroom next to mine, who is pregnant with twins, and asked what she did in regards to POAS.  She said she didn't even want to check it until the date.  I have to make a decision whether I will POAS everyday and watch the hcg go away, so I know when a valid test has occurred or wait until the date I go to the doctors.  Part of me says to do it everyday, but then another part of me says maybe all these cycles have been jinxed by the fact I POAS like its going out of style.  I'm afraid if it is negative and I go to the doctors to find out, I will be bawling my eyes out as I'll need some time to absord the information, mourn and then figure out questions for the doctor. 

What I am terrified more than anything is another miscarriage.  I've had two on my own.  I do not know if I can emotionally handle a miscarriage.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Please help: Assurance or Insurance

Since we will be spending a crap ton of money at the chance of having a child aka ivf (can you sense my bitterness?), I want to make sure I do everything right to improve my statistics for this conception to work and for this conception to stick.

I am currently doing p90x to get in good shape, and to hopefully drop some weight before the IVF.  I know nutritionally, I need to make sure I eat a crap ton of veggies and fruit.  I know I will need to avoid second hand smoke (sorry mom).  Once I start stims, I plan to routinely incorporate yoga and meditation into my life to minimize my stress.  I know I can try to incorporate pineapple in my diet during the hopeful implantation phase.  Are there any other things out there I can do?  For ladies who had a successful IVF, what specific things did you do or not do?

Monday, October 15, 2012

I ordered my drugs!!!

I ordered my drugs and will receive them on Friday!  I am uber excited to get the show on the road!!!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I'm getting my drugs this week!!!! And Oct. 15

Friday, I should be receiving my medications for my IVF cycle.  I am so excited.  Not much to report, I am on birth control.  It's amazing how great sex can be without the pressure of baby-making!  October 30, I learn how to use all my medications.

October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I think the problem with pregnancy loss is a lot of women do not share their story, and they keep it bottled up.  I wasn't nearly as open with the first one as I felt like it was my fault and I was ashamed.  This year, I decided I will post the following on Facebook:

October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  According to the American Pregnancy Association, studies suggest that 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage before 13 weeks.  Only 20% of the women, who have had one, will have another one.  Unfortunately, I have had two early miscarriages.  October 15 is just the nationally recognized day of their remembrance, because even though it was an early miscarriage, they remain in my heart and in my thoughts for the other 364 days of the year.

Monday, October 8, 2012

the good, the bad and the ugly

The Good
So we were approved through ARC for $12,014.00 which covers everything but the meds.  Yeah for being approved.

The Bad
The interest rate is ridiculously high.  We have a credit score of 739 and our interest rate is 16.99%- Holy Hell.  Our loan payment will be $304.00; we will be officially broke for the next five years.

The Ugly
My pure desperation tells me that other people have gone into debt over sillier things.  It just makes me question the ethics of bankers or finacial loan officers in general.  We, being people suffering from infertility are so desperate in our attempts at a child that we are willing to pay 16.99% interest, and it doesn't take long for the whole medical market to exploit the desperation of infertiles.

Saturday, October 6, 2012


Today, I start birth control pills to prepare for the IVF process in December.  I'm kinda excited.  I'm just trying to have faith that all will work out.

Friday, October 5, 2012

taking it a minute at a time

Well we received a call from the bank.  She informed us that I was indeed correct about home equity loans, and that you can only take out a total of 80% of assessed home value.  When I had asked to originally get information, she said it was 80% of the difference between owed on mortgage and assessed value, so everything looked great for us.  I know this is all a numbers game, but you can't help but take it a little personally.  I guess I will be contacting ARC about finacing; I mean our credit score is 739, so surely to god the interest will be closer to 3.99% as oppose the 19%.  I'm also hopeful that we'll be approved.  If we are not, we will be stuck.  Our IVF procedure will have to be postponed until we can save the money.

This is the part that breaks my heart, because money may be the condom on our conception.  I keep telling myself to have some faith, but at the same time I look at what faith has brought me to this utter point of despair with what?

I know I will not qualify for the refund based option because I have had a miscarriage; as if a miscarriage doesn't suck enough and I don't have to deal with the reprecussions of it every single day, now it has me marked in the rejection pile and rejection sucks.

Just taking it one minute at a time.

Getting the show on the road

Just spent 2387.37 on medications, so now I owe 387.22.  I am so excited; we are getting things moving.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

TMI for some

So I called the doc today because low and behold the yeast infection I used Monistat for lsat month is back and with a vengence.  Last time, the doctors didn't want to prescribe me the good medicine in the event that I might be pregnant because it was a treated cycle.  This month has not been a treated cycle, and they didn't even ask what day I was on.  They sent the prescription; I can tell how much faith my doc has on me and hubby actually getting pregnant the old fashioned way.

Met with the bank lady today to start the process of a home equity line of credit for the fertility treatments.  When asked what for, I told her medical costs- she seemed shocked.  Yep, I need 15,000 for medical costs and I pay every month for health insurance.  I didn't want to tell her for ivf because I have found that some people (mostly freaks who blame their pov on religion as oppose to being born an idiot) are against ivf and believe that birth is in God's will.  WTF?!  At those times, I think about WWJD and he would probably bitch slap some common sense into them.  How is treating a medical problem anti religious?!  I don't get it.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Gatlinburg and Medication

We really enjoyed our trip in Gatlinburg.  It was so nice.  I didn't even think of the whole infertility ordeal we have to deal with on a daily basis.  It was nice to relax and have fun.  Granted, I still counted preggos (on average I saw 4 a day).  For the first time in a while, Brandon and I just enjoyed each other's company with no pressure!

We arrived back home today, and we received our estimate on medicine costs for our IVF cycle.  Pressure starting already!  Our estimate for just medication came to $2,774.59.  Tomorrow, we plan to go to some banks and discuss the possibility of taking out a home equity line of credit, so we will see.

Saturday, September 29, 2012


We go to Gatlinburg!!!  I am so excited!  It will be nice to get away, instead of focusing on the IVF. 

I called ARC and their interest rates range from 3.99 to 19.99- WTF?!  Are you kidding me?!  That's the same as a credit card, and I don't own a credit card for that reason?!  Let's say we got the 19%, we would never pay off our IVF!

So this is what I am thinking:  maybe we'll take out a home equity line of credit if we qualify.  I don't know because we just refinaced the house.  We only need about 1100 for the IVF plus, then we'll hopefully pay for the ICSI (1200) out of pocket.  Then we'll have medicinces, which will use savings; which the meds will be between 2,000-5,000.  I'm hoping for the 2,000 range.

It's the financing of IVF that stresses you out, so needless to say, I need to get out of town.  Clear my head, because I'm going to allow this to stress me out.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

IVF Calendar Thus Far

Brandon and Aut:  Appt. at 2:00 PM
IVF Teaching (1/2 day)
Aut:  No School
Aut:  No School
Aut:  Take Last Birth Control Pill
Brandon and Aut:
Female FDA labs
Consent forms due, baseline E2 and U/S, freeze back-up sperm
Aut: No School
Aut: start Follistum 250 u
Aut: No School
Aut: No School
Aut:  start estrogen patch
Aut: culture
E2 and U/S
Aut: begin another type of shot
Brandon and Aut: E2 and U/S, Male FDA labs
Aut:  start estrogen patch
Brandon and Aut: E2 and U/S, and Brandon learns to give trigger shot
Aut:  start estrogen patch
Brandon and Aut:  Probable Egg Retreival (give or take 2 days)
Aut:  start estrogen patch
Brandon and Aut:  Probable Embryo Transfer (give or take 2 days, depending on retrieval date)
Aut:  Rest at home
Aut:  start estrogen patch
Aut:  Rest at home
Aut:  Rest at home
Aut:  Rest at home
Aut:  start estrogen patch
Aut:  start estrogen patch
Brandon and Aut:  Pregnancy Test at Office

Met with the doctor today

Met with the doctor today, and we made our calendar.  We will complete our IVF in December.  Anyways, now I just wait for a period and then I will begin birth control pills.  So excited!!!

Saturday, September 22, 2012

The week ahead.

Tuesday is the big IVF consult with the doctor.  I'm excited because of the success rate.  I'm apprehensive/emotional because 1 in 8 people have fertility issue- guess I won that jackpot.  Then majority of couples infertility can be resolved through medication or iui- once again it didn't work for us- won the jackpot again.  For some reason we like being in the small number of people group- uggh!  So I'm hoping, praying and using all my energy to make this successful (secretly, I admit I have no control on whether it will work, but ?I have control on diet, weight, etc).

Then next Sunday, we are going on a vacation- a much needed vacation.  I feel like our relationship is stronger because of the struggle, but the struggle is the focus of our lives.  We need to time to reconnect and focus on each other.  I'm beyond excited.

I Would Die For That

This is such an emotional video!  I can truly relate to the writer of this song!!!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Trying and struggling to stay positive

“But it just goes to show that if you’re strong and you’re positive, great things can come out of the darkest time in your life,” Rancic said.

Thank you!  I needed this quotation today!  Trying and struggling lately to stay positive.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Joy someone else is pregnant

1%er is me.  It's not as exciting as being a 1%er on Gangland where it's the 1%er that have killed someone.  Technically, I'm like the 1% of people that must have an ivf in order to get pregnant.  It is not equally as fun.  In fact, I think this whole infertility may make me part of the elite class of 1%er who break the law.  I have had some murderous thoughts towards strangers who have a kid but neglect them in Walmart, I think, "And they get a kid?"

Today was a double whammy.  On facebook, two friends have annouced their pregnancy today.  For one, this is her second kid she has had since I've been on my infertility journey.  I know this probably isn't fair for me to make this judgement, but deep down I feel like if a person hasn't dealt with any infertility then they don't deserve a kid.  I know it is wrong for me to make this judgement, but that's how I feel.  Does anyone else feel this way?  Any coping ideas?

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Not your average panhandler

I've been thinking of the money associated with three letters: IVF, and to be honest it scares the hell out of me.  The fact that I will be enslaved to a debt scares me.  So I've been thinking of fundraising for my ivf.  I figured every little bit helps.  So what do you think about fundraising for ivf?  Any fundraising ideas?

Sunday, September 16, 2012

I had to have peace

I had to have peace with our game plan.  The hubby finally came back from Ohio from his inservice.  We will meet with the dr. on Sept 25 for our IVF consult.  We will probably have our ivf in December.  We will try a couple of IVF cycles, and if that doesn't work, depending on egg quality we may do donor sperm  (if eggs are penetratable and look good).  If that doesn't work or eggs are not that good, we will adopt. 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

My Husband couldn't go, so I took my money to the doctors

Femara- out!  So I was scheduled to have a consult with the doctor.  I knew exactly what I was going to ask her when it came down to questions, because I knew we were basically going to be doing the same thing- femara and iui.

"I think we might want to discuss IVF," echo in my ears.  WTF?  At that point the prior questions left my thought.  So I asked her what is our statistics on everything?  And here was her break down:
My husband and I not doing any medication- about 2% chance each month
My husband and I doing drugs and iui- about 5-10% chance each month
Normal couple without any fertility problems- 20% chance each month
My husband and I using IVF- 50% chance each month

We scheduled our IVF consult for the 25.  Looks like we will probably begin IVF in December.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

She arrived and brought a gift

AF finally arrived.  If anyone has any ideas on why she wouldn't come until 18 dpo, please let me know.  Guess I'll call the RE to get my game plan for the new cycle.

Below is AF Gift 3:

I couldn't find monkeys, so I went with this duckling theme.  We have two towels, one is a duck head hooded towel and then a duckling bath robe.  I can't wait until I have a duckling of my own.  Maybe next cycle.  My hubby's vitamins should be arriving this week, so he can begin the FertilAid and Motility Boost.

Still Waiting

Here I am, it is 18 dpiui and I still haven't received my period.  I had the one positive like 8 days ago, but all negative pregnancy sticks since then.  Why is my body doing this to me?  I'm ready or my period, so I can begin a new cycle.  Has anyone else had a similar thing and what causes it?  The only thing I can find online is a cyst. 

Thursday, September 6, 2012

I'm not shy

To whom this may concern:

Have you ever felt like you could just grab Mother Nature and punch her in the ovaries?  I have, and this is my story that I would love the opportunity to share with others.

Brandon and I began dating in 2004; I was only 18.  After a couple of years, we did the pull out method of birth control, and we continued this practice until we were married in 2008;  I just thought we were damn good at pull out method.  Fast forward to January 2011, after months of tracking my temperature and utilizing ovulation predictor kits, I finally received my second line on a pregnancy test.  Within two days of receiving my positive, the excitement along with my pregnancy was being flushed down the drain- I experienced my first miscarriage.

In April, I ask my gynecologist for help.  She takes many tests and we discover that my body doesn’t always ovulate and my husband’s sperm don’t really know how to swim. I begin Clomid and in December of 2011, I conceive again.  “A miscarriage happens, but not two in row,” my naive self thought.   Within a couple of days, my temperature dropped and I began to bleed.  The HCG in my blood increased from an 8 to a 24 to 108, and suddenly a 4.  My body was proving my naive self wrong.  That moment pushed Brandon into receiving a varicocele surgery to remove a varicose vein from his testicles.

In April, I was finally referred to a Reproductive Encrinologist.  I am currently taking Femara and undergoing IUI.  If this does not work, we will be referred to IVF. 

I always figured I would easily have my big family.  My fertility struggles are counter balanced with the lives of family members.  Almost all of my cousins on my mom’s side had their first child when they were only 19, and here we are waiting for our chance to become pregnant. 

I cope with the arrival of Aunt Flo by buying something for our future baby and put the items in a tote.  I didn’t expect my tote to be filling up already.  When I look at the lack of the room in this tote, it reminds me of how many failed cycles, how many times my body has failed me.  I have become a true uterus hater, all because Mother Nature can be a bitch.

Thank you for your consideration,

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Tomorrow the b**** is scheduled to arrive

Tomorrow, the bitch is scheduled to arrive.  I hate her; I really wish she wouldn't come see me anymore.  Looks like I'll probably have to add to the tote.

I keep hoping another line will show up.  I had the second line Saturday evening and it hasn't come back.  I guess the egg thought about implanting, and then had second thoughts; it was probably a chemical.  I keep hoping that that was just one of the eggs and the other one is and will implant successful, but unfortunately my days are numbered before AF.  It's that little hope that I keep holding on to, but I understand it is possible (just not probable).

This brings me back to my fear.  Here I am taking Baby Asprin, Progesterone, Vitamin D, prenatal vitamin with folic acid, dha, and two extra folic acid supplements, and I still have a chemical-really?! Does this mean that maybe the IUI was a success or my body just a failure.  Have we not figured out why my body feels the need to spontaneous abort life or at least not substain it?  I can spend all this money on fertility treatments, but if we have not gotten to the root of the problem- is it all just a flush down the toilet?

I have also decided as I presevere through this infertility journey, that preseverence is probably the closest thing to insanity.  Or perhaps it's a question of which came first (kind of like the chicken or egg).

This is my current state,

Monday, September 3, 2012

Everytime a second line shows an angel gets its wings

Last night I went to Barnes and Noble and saw this quotation on magnet "When the catipillar thought his life was over, he became a beautiful butterfly."  After that I was full of so much hope, I decided to take another test (I know obsessing a little) and I got a positive.  I was so excited/apprehensive because of my two miscarriages last year.  So I decided to take another test this morning, and sure enough the second line is gone, so I guess it was a chemical pg.  It just really sucks; I feel like my body hates me and will do anything to sabotage plans of a family; my heart hurts so much.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

I don't think the 2nd line isn't coming back

I don't think the second line is coming back.  This is 12 dpo and in my previous positive it occurred on 12 dpo, so I think this is another cycle down the drain. I try not dwell and move on to the next cycle by planning.  My husband and I have discussed our next steps. 

I think we are going to try one more iui and if that is unsuccessful, we will start saving a lot of money or take out a loan for ivf.  The doctor's office has an affording ivf seminar once a month, so I think we will try to go to that this coming up month.  The teacher who works next door to me at school is currently going through ivf from there and now she's in the waiting stages, and so I asked how much it all costs.  The costs for everything adds up to 12,000.  So maybe I'll do some baked sales or try to rake in some donations, because it is so expensive, and I can try for some scholarships, but we will see.  Trying not to put the cart infront of the horse.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

(Not Ferility Related) Reminders that Life isn't Fair

Today another former student died.  The first one died on graduation day when he was supposed to walk.  He was in a car accident.  The second one was accidently shot.  It so surreal; it’s heartbreaking.  To see such young kiddos die, it’s just a reminder that life is not fair and everyone must seize the day.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Ramification of hcg trigger

So my second line is gone.  The ramifications of hcg trigger.  I've been secretly peeing on stick since the iui, so I could watch it fade and know exactly when a positive would be a positive (shhhhh- don't tell my mom; I told her I wasn't obsessing).  Haha look who I have fooled.  Seriously, hoping this second line comes back.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Should IF be covered by insurance?

This is the question that Resolve posted today on Facebook.  Of course it should be covered! 

One hoebag who probably got pregnant while drunk and smoked the whole pregnancy said, "No it should not be covered because it is not essential or affects quality of life." WTF!  She must not be going through IF, because I can guarantee you it has affected my quality life.  Mental health is usually covered, so why not infertility. 

It is because of infertility I cry when I see a damn pampers commercial or a "thanks mom" olympic commercial.  It is because of infertility, I constantly am peeing on some form of a stick.  I am semi delusional of symptoms by reading into every little stomach twinge.  It is because of IF I miss work and go to the doctors so that maybe just maybe this treatment might work.  It is becaue of IF that I count pregnant women at Walmart (yes on average it is 4, but has been as high as 13).  It is because of IF that I feel super emotional about some child or infant that is beaten or killed by a parent.  It is because of IF that I feel the rage through my veins when I see or hear someone say something so stupid about IF. 

Paying over 1000 dollars a month doesn't affect a person's quality of living?  Do you realize if I want to be permanently sterilized, that is covered.  Birth control is covered.  Essentially, you have the choice to have sex.  If you don't want a child that bad, don't have sex, but what if you want a child and have all the damn sex in the world but it isn't materializing?  We live in a backwards world!