Thursday, August 30, 2012

Ramification of hcg trigger

So my second line is gone.  The ramifications of hcg trigger.  I've been secretly peeing on stick since the iui, so I could watch it fade and know exactly when a positive would be a positive (shhhhh- don't tell my mom; I told her I wasn't obsessing).  Haha look who I have fooled.  Seriously, hoping this second line comes back.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Should IF be covered by insurance?

This is the question that Resolve posted today on Facebook.  Of course it should be covered! 

One hoebag who probably got pregnant while drunk and smoked the whole pregnancy said, "No it should not be covered because it is not essential or affects quality of life." WTF!  She must not be going through IF, because I can guarantee you it has affected my quality life.  Mental health is usually covered, so why not infertility. 

It is because of infertility I cry when I see a damn pampers commercial or a "thanks mom" olympic commercial.  It is because of infertility, I constantly am peeing on some form of a stick.  I am semi delusional of symptoms by reading into every little stomach twinge.  It is because of IF I miss work and go to the doctors so that maybe just maybe this treatment might work.  It is becaue of IF that I count pregnant women at Walmart (yes on average it is 4, but has been as high as 13).  It is because of IF that I feel super emotional about some child or infant that is beaten or killed by a parent.  It is because of IF that I feel the rage through my veins when I see or hear someone say something so stupid about IF. 

Paying over 1000 dollars a month doesn't affect a person's quality of living?  Do you realize if I want to be permanently sterilized, that is covered.  Birth control is covered.  Essentially, you have the choice to have sex.  If you don't want a child that bad, don't have sex, but what if you want a child and have all the damn sex in the world but it isn't materializing?  We live in a backwards world!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

2nd IUI

Our second IUI was a lot better than I expected.  Perhaps, B’s disgusted attitude about the magazine with the stuck pages resulted in the first one.  Our doctor was very optimistic.  Unfortunately, for male factor infertility they said usually they try three successfully timed iui’s before recommending IVF.  Since the Femara is successful in helping me ovulate better, we will stick with this medication.  I am praying that our IUI works!  Here is a look at our numbers:

Pre Wash Sperm
Post Wash Sperm
Averages for prewash only
Sperm Density
24.7 million
6.6 million
20 million
1.2 ml
.7 ml
2 ml
Total Sperm Count
30 million
4.6 million
40 million
Total Motile Sperm
11 million
3 million
20 million
% motility

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Where we have been

In regards to my last post, I figured I should post what our sperm numbers looked like a year ago- a year exactly once I see the date!

On Agusut 22, 2011 after three days of abstinence:

Then after 3 days of Abstinence
Now after 1 day of Abstinence
Sperm Concentration
53 million
28.3 million
Total Sperm Count
79.5 million
34 million
Total Motile Sperm
33.4 million
12 million

I'd like to belief this is an improvement, because it was three days of Abstinence to get the original numbers and only 1 day to get the numbers from today.  I just wished it was like it was in May.  I know sperm quality goes down in the summer.  His sperm concentration was 56 million; 73% motile; motile sperm count was 81.8 million and total count was 112 million.  I keep telling myself it just takes one.


We went in for our IUI.  The doctor wants us to come in tomorrow.  Our sperm count was not all that and a bag of chips; in fact it was probably more along the lines of half a bag of chips and owing a dollar.    Below is our original sperm count, our info as a wash, which is typically smaller, and normal values of a normal ejaculation.

Our Sperm
Sperm Wash (what was inserted)
Normal Values
Total Sperm Count
34 million
5.2 million
40 million
Total Motile Sperm
12 million
2.3 million
20 million
% of Progressive Motility
44 %
50% or more

Granted that is a vast improvement from our prior IUI which honestly probably should have been cancelled, as it was only 3 million sperm count and 1.4 million motile with a wash of .44 million sperm count and .2 million motile sperm.

It still just sucks and has made for a very emotional day.

Temp spike- hoping it's hcg trigger

Hopefully, I am not too late with the IUI.  I'm hoping my temperature spiked because of the HCG trigger and not the fct that I ovulated.

Monday, August 20, 2012

2 Eggs 1 Cup

I received a positive opk, so I called the doctor to schedule my IUI.  The doctor looked at my lining, she said it was perfect.  Then she looked and found two follicles on my right ovary!  That's right my right ovary is rocking!  I have one measuring at 20 mm and one at 18 mm.  Both are pop-able!  Anways, she gave me a trigger shot and tomorrow we have our IUI.  I'm really excited about this cycle.  I'm feeling pretty positive about it!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Belated AF gift #2

I already knew what I wanted to pick up for my second AF gift.  It was a hooded towel with a monkey head on the head; unfortunately, they were out of them today.  My grandma use to call me lil monkey.  Oh well, I'll pick it next time.  Hopefully, there wont be a next time, but if there is it should definitely make me smile.  So this is what I go today:
I bought a teether that has crinkle on one side, because for some reason babies like that crinkle material stuff.  I bought a dishwasher thing for baby stuff; I figured green was a pretty neutral color.  Then I bought a set of spoons that turn white if it is too hot.  Of course, everything is BPA free.  The baby's tote is getting fuller and fuller. 

Reason 196 Why I have the greatest hubby

Woke up this morning, and this is the note my hubby left for me on the computer:

Good  Morning Aut, I love you and wanted to thank you for giving me a great birthday. I liked your blog and want you to know that when our time comes I think you’ll be the greatest mom ever. I really do believe that we will get to be parents. And great ones at that. I love you so much and I promise everything will be ok. Love B

Friday, August 17, 2012

Birthdays and Anniversaries and Somewhere in Between

Hubby’s Birthday (August 17)

Today, we celebrated my hubby’s birthday!  He is pretty amazing.  Most guys wont get their balls chopped on, but he did for me.  He’s amazing because he allowed the surgeons to remove the variocele.   We went to my parents house, and had cake and ice cream.  I got him a paintball grenade launcher charger, deer skinning set, and a shirt that says, “Don’t like police: next time your in trouble, try calling a crackhead!”  He seemed to enjoy his birthday!

 RIP Angel baby 2 due date anniversary (August 16)

So please don’t judge, I just need to do this letter.  It will make me feel better.  Part of me feels like the only way to eternalize anything is to write it, and it’ll last forever.  So this letter is nothing but the truth and my truth in how I feel.  I had to write it.  I know I will be ok, and it takes a while to heal a broken heart, but I will get there. 

To my angel baby #2:

Today, should have been your birthday; instead my body decided to kill you about 8 mos ago.  For two weeks of bleeding, and I have nothing to hold.  Yet I find myself wanting to hold on to you.  I have nothing, other than a memory of when I saw the double lines, how I felt when the hcg was increasing, but none of that really matters.  I have nothing.  No first smile, no labor story, no other memory such as those, other than what might have been.  It is the what might have been that kills me- stabs me in the ovaries.  What might have been if I had found out I was pregnant sooner?  What might have been if I had researched enough to know how to stop my body from killing you?  What might have been, had I had you to hold today?

Please forgive me, because I can’t seem to forgive myself.  I know logically it doesn’t make sense; my head tells me there is nothing I could have done, but my heart tells me there had to be something. 

May my prayers embrace you with hugs and kisses, because I will never be able to. For that, I’m truly sorry!
I love you forever and always!

Monday, August 13, 2012

Last Femara Cycle

I called to refill my Femara prescription and realized it was my last refill, so what do I do next?  So I called the doctor to ask them what they would like me to do.  If I need to schedule in the middle of the cycle or at the end, so next cycle would not be a bust.  My doctor is recommending Femara + IUI.  If this cycle doesn't work, we will be moving on to injectables. 

I'm just kind indifferent about it all.  I just want something that will work.  It sucks because it means I'm getting closer ivf.  I think I will ask my doctor about a trigger shot with this cycle.  If I'm producing the eggs and the lining looks good on Femara, why have I not gotten pregnant?  Is it possible I'm not actually releasing an egg and just going through the motion?  So this cycle, I will be waiting for my positive opk.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

To Lower Costs

I decided I would follow Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover.  That makes me feel better knowing that if we do need the money for IVF, we will have it.  I would sell my house, the house we built, in order to get some kiddos around here.  Of course, I really need to save money just in case I can't carry full term, and we have to adopt.  The average price of IVF is $12,000 per IVF cycle and we all know that is can take more than one cycle.  The average price of adoption is $30,000.  As figures add up in my head, it scares the crap out of me.  Luckily, Dave Ramsey will be helping me with that.  We don't have a lot of debt.  We have the mortgage, car and tires.  The mortgage is in the process of being refinanced and should save us an extra 250 a month.  Right now, we are on baby step 1.  We made our budget, now sticking to it.  I'm trying to only spend 100/week at the grocery.  Yesterday, I went and spent 112.  (But I did buy sticks just to check one time before I begin Femara on Monday).  So next week, I must try really hard to be below 90.

Friday, August 10, 2012

I guess I just figured....

20 years ago….

I guess I just figured first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.

15 years ago

I guess I just figured Aunt Flo was only used by tweens, so boys wouldn’t know they were talking about their period.

10 years ago….

I guess I just figured everyone got pregnant, and usually they were accidents.  I figured to get pregnant it only took one sperm and one egg, so all that was needed was one man and one woman.

5 years ago….

I guess I just figured getting pregnant would come easy.  When I wanted and was ready to have kids, all we’d have to do is have sex.  I figured it might take a few months, but I’d definitely be able to have  my first baby at the  ideal age of 25.  I figured to have a big family might take time- time having sex.

This year

I guess I just figured….

I guess I just figured that we would for sure get pregnant with the more minor drugs.  We’ve been pregnant twice and that was natural.  I will be starting my last cycle of Femara, and everything I’ve read online seems more promising for the first cycle of use. 

It scares me- completely terrifies me to know that I’ll will potentially be moving on to shots.  Not because shots hurt or anything like that, but shots are typically a precursor to IUI and IVF.  This scares me because of the costs associated with these procedures.  Will my family be limited because of financial means?  Another reason this scares me is because it may take years to get the first one here.  I have always wanted a big family- I’d say five, so I could have a tie breaker, but I know as you get older things don’t work as well, and I’m already having issues when I’m supposed to be in my prime.  I also know that a study was done that showed women with O- blood where more likely to go through early menopause, so I may not have the time that someone else may have.  It scares me because I am getting steps closer to finding out that maybe I won’t be able to experience full term pregnancy.  What if there is nothing we can do about my murderous body.  I hate how it has murdered two and slowly suffocating my dreams. 

I know this seems very negative.  I was pretty positive until AF arrived-whatta bitch!  Sure, I could blame this on hormones, but I’m not using that as my crutch.  I think this is how I really feel.  I have figured a lot of things, and I don’t know what I believe now; other than I am one scared girl!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

I'm still here

It has been forever since I posted anything. With school gettting ready to start, I have been busy.  I have been using my cricut- love it for labels!!!

Tomorrow is our teacher work day, and Wednesday marks the officially beginning of school for the kids.  I have been so busy I have not been able to analyze symptoms and count down to 14 dpo.  Actually, that's kind of a lie.  In the morning I pee on a stick.  I know I vowed to wait until 14 dpo; I just can't do it.  At least I've been too busy to really dwell on anything.  Perhaps, this is why I love it when school begins.  I get too busy to really think about me.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Birds and Bees: They must not be working

I guess the reason I found this humorous was because I can relate.  I usually start soon after ovulation, and I take about three tests a day.  You might call be a peeing on stick obsessive delusionist.  Sometimes, I see a faint second line that no one else can see.  Pee sticks are expensive, especially at a box a day.  So, I have vowed to wait until 12 dpo.  We will see how this goes....