Tomorrow the b**** is scheduled to arrive

Tomorrow, the bitch is scheduled to arrive.  I hate her; I really wish she wouldn't come see me anymore.  Looks like I'll probably have to add to the tote.

I keep hoping another line will show up.  I had the second line Saturday evening and it hasn't come back.  I guess the egg thought about implanting, and then had second thoughts; it was probably a chemical.  I keep hoping that that was just one of the eggs and the other one is and will implant successful, but unfortunately my days are numbered before AF.  It's that little hope that I keep holding on to, but I understand it is possible (just not probable).

This brings me back to my fear.  Here I am taking Baby Asprin, Progesterone, Vitamin D, prenatal vitamin with folic acid, dha, and two extra folic acid supplements, and I still have a chemical-really?! Does this mean that maybe the IUI was a success or my body just a failure.  Have we not figured out why my body feels the need to spontaneous abort life or at least not substain it?  I can spend all this money on fertility treatments, but if we have not gotten to the root of the problem- is it all just a flush down the toilet?

I have also decided as I presevere through this infertility journey, that preseverence is probably the closest thing to insanity.  Or perhaps it's a question of which came first (kind of like the chicken or egg).

This is my current state,

Belated AF gift #2

I already knew what I wanted to pick up for my second AF gift.  It was a hooded towel with a monkey head on the head; unfortunately, they were out of them today.  My grandma use to call me lil monkey.  Oh well, I'll pick it next time.  Hopefully, there wont be a next time, but if there is it should definitely make me smile.  So this is what I go today:

I bought a teether that has crinkle on one side, because for some reason babies like that crinkle material stuff.  I bought a dishwasher thing for baby stuff; I figured green was a pretty neutral color.  Then I bought a set of spoons that turn white if it is too hot.  Of course, everything is BPA free.  The baby's tote is getting fuller and fuller. 

I guess I just figured....

20 years ago….

I guess I just figured first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.

15 years ago

I guess I just figured Aunt Flo was only used by tweens, so boys wouldn’t know they were talking about their period.

10 years ago….

I guess I just figured everyone got pregnant, and usually they were accidents.  I figured to get pregnant it only took one sperm and one egg, so all that was needed was one man and one woman.

5 years ago….

I guess I just figured getting pregnant would come easy.  When I wanted and was ready to have kids, all we’d have to do is have sex.  I figured it might take a few months, but I’d definitely be able to have  my first baby at the  ideal age of 25.  I figured to have a big family might take time- time having sex.

This year

I guess I just figured….

I guess I just figured that we would for sure get pregnant with the more minor drugs.  We’ve been pregnant twice and that was natural.  I will be starting my last cycle of Femara, and everything I’ve read online seems more promising for the first cycle of use. 

It scares me- completely terrifies me to know that I’ll will potentially be moving on to shots.  Not because shots hurt or anything like that, but shots are typically a precursor to IUI and IVF.  This scares me because of the costs associated with these procedures.  Will my family be limited because of financial means?  Another reason this scares me is because it may take years to get the first one here.  I have always wanted a big family- I’d say five, so I could have a tie breaker, but I know as you get older things don’t work as well, and I’m already having issues when I’m supposed to be in my prime.  I also know that a study was done that showed women with O- blood where more likely to go through early menopause, so I may not have the time that someone else may have.  It scares me because I am getting steps closer to finding out that maybe I won’t be able to experience full term pregnancy.  What if there is nothing we can do about my murderous body.  I hate how it has murdered two and slowly suffocating my dreams. 

I know this seems very negative.  I was pretty positive until AF arrived-whatta bitch!  Sure, I could blame this on hormones, but I’m not using that as my crutch.  I think this is how I really feel.  I have figured a lot of things, and I don’t know what I believe now; other than I am one scared girl!