Saturday, September 12, 2015

Piss on Hope: Update on life

I do it every month.  I pee on that stupid little stick!  We are blessed with a beautiful 21 month old and I forgot.  She mended my broken heart and yet I wonder how could  have been so stupid?!

I thought maybe everything would have worked itself out after finally giving birth.  After several months, nothing happened.  Of course, we would have to see the fertility doctor.  We had three frosties on ice, so we made a plan to do a FET. 

It worked.  We were pregnant.  I started peeing on a stick three days after and on the fourth day, I began to see a positive result.  We had blood drawn.  High HCG level.  We had another HCG drawn- it didn't double, but it did rise.  "That's a pretty good rise," the doctor said on the phone.  My heart was uplifted by the doctor's comments.  My head was adamant about this being a bad sign.  I was hopeful.  I thought maybe I wouldn't have another miscarriage; we were successful in our last FET. 

The bleeding started.  The cramps ensued.  HCG dropped.  Only one full day of tears.  Part of me felt use to it- at least that's what I told my husband.   This was the first miscarriage that really affected my husband.  Before, he didn't know what he had lost.  Now that we have Harpyr, he mourned a dream.

We made another appointment with the doctor.  They recommended a fresh IVF with PGS than transfer once we received the results.  I was living on this game plan, this agenda.  We schedule our consult appointment.  I called ARC; it's how we financed our first IVF.  We were going to complete the retrieval in October.  "You were denied."  WTF?!  ARC uses NBT now as oppose to PNC.  When we were first approved a couple years ago, my credit wasn't the greatest.  It was 684.  I payed the debt off.  Now my credit is 721 and I was not approved because I don't have enough experience with revolving credit.  WTF?!  I thought it would be a good thing not to have a credit card.  It's disappointing.  I didn't ever think this hurdle would come our way.

Our house is on the market.  We plan to see it and use the money we make from it to do one more IVF with PGS.  I know there is a possibility, but I would love to be pregnant and deliver a healthy child.  The bond that begins before they even breathe their first breath of air is such a miraculous feeling.  I can't help my bitterness towards some people.  I can't help but question the existence of god.  I can't help but question why? 

Right after our miscarriage, my husband was called to a nonresponsive infant.  He tried CPR, but could not resuscitate this baby.  The baby was severely beaten by his father.  The baby was on life support and deemed brain-dead that night.  I can't help my bitterness towards some people.  I can't help but question the existence of god.  I can't help but question why?

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