Hubby’s Birthday (August 17)
Today, we celebrated my hubby’s birthday! He is pretty amazing. Most guys wont get their balls chopped on,
but he did for me. He’s amazing because
he allowed the surgeons to remove the variocele. We
went to my parents house, and had cake and ice cream. I got him a paintball grenade launcher
charger, deer skinning set, and a shirt that says, “Don’t like police: next
time your in trouble, try calling a crackhead!”
He seemed to enjoy his birthday!
So please don’t judge, I just need to do this letter. It will make me feel better. Part of me feels like the only way to
eternalize anything is to write it, and it’ll last forever. So this letter is nothing but the truth and
my truth in how I feel. I had to write
it. I know I will be ok, and it takes a
while to heal a broken heart, but I will get there.
To my angel baby #2:
Today, should have been your birthday; instead my body
decided to kill you about 8 mos ago. For
two weeks of bleeding, and I have nothing to hold. Yet I find myself wanting to hold on to
you. I have nothing, other than a memory
of when I saw the double lines, how I felt when the hcg was increasing, but
none of that really matters. I have
nothing. No first smile, no labor story,
no other memory such as those, other than what might have been. It is the what might have been that kills me-
stabs me in the ovaries. What might have
been if I had found out I was pregnant sooner?
What might have been if I had researched enough to know how to stop my
body from killing you? What might have
been, had I had you to hold today?
Please forgive me, because I can’t seem to forgive
myself. I know logically it doesn’t make
sense; my head tells me there is nothing I could have done, but my heart tells
me there had to be something.
May my prayers embrace you with hugs and kisses, because I
will never be able to. For that, I’m truly sorry!
I love you forever and always!
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