Friday, August 17, 2012

Birthdays and Anniversaries and Somewhere in Between

Hubby’s Birthday (August 17)

Today, we celebrated my hubby’s birthday!  He is pretty amazing.  Most guys wont get their balls chopped on, but he did for me.  He’s amazing because he allowed the surgeons to remove the variocele.   We went to my parents house, and had cake and ice cream.  I got him a paintball grenade launcher charger, deer skinning set, and a shirt that says, “Don’t like police: next time your in trouble, try calling a crackhead!”  He seemed to enjoy his birthday!

 RIP Angel baby 2 due date anniversary (August 16)

So please don’t judge, I just need to do this letter.  It will make me feel better.  Part of me feels like the only way to eternalize anything is to write it, and it’ll last forever.  So this letter is nothing but the truth and my truth in how I feel.  I had to write it.  I know I will be ok, and it takes a while to heal a broken heart, but I will get there. 

To my angel baby #2:

Today, should have been your birthday; instead my body decided to kill you about 8 mos ago.  For two weeks of bleeding, and I have nothing to hold.  Yet I find myself wanting to hold on to you.  I have nothing, other than a memory of when I saw the double lines, how I felt when the hcg was increasing, but none of that really matters.  I have nothing.  No first smile, no labor story, no other memory such as those, other than what might have been.  It is the what might have been that kills me- stabs me in the ovaries.  What might have been if I had found out I was pregnant sooner?  What might have been if I had researched enough to know how to stop my body from killing you?  What might have been, had I had you to hold today?

Please forgive me, because I can’t seem to forgive myself.  I know logically it doesn’t make sense; my head tells me there is nothing I could have done, but my heart tells me there had to be something. 

May my prayers embrace you with hugs and kisses, because I will never be able to. For that, I’m truly sorry!
I love you forever and always!

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