A Personal Spring

 

As you can tell from the pictures, I'm like a damn dog when it comes to peeing on things-only the fire hydrant are these wonderful little sticks. I might have an obsession, but partly because of my fear.  This is probably only a fraction of the sticks I have used during this entire process, so I will eventually need to buy some stock in First Response.   Some people may think I'm crazy, but today is the first day I haven't peed on a stick at least once.  As you can tell, I typically peed twice a day.  I am completely afraid that I will lose that line. 

 

I know I am jaded.  I remember the first time I saw a positive stick, I was so excited, but by the end of weekend it was stolen from me.  I know each day is precious and tomorrow is not a guarantee which sucks.  I wish I could continue with the niave innocence, but everybody's journey is different.

 

I am also afraid because I have had a few symptoms, but they come and go.  It certainly does not consist of my throwing up my insides each minutes, or being exhausted where I fall asleep doing things, and my boobs aren't Dollys.  Sure, I get nauseated, sure my veins on my body is becoming a map, sure I'm tired, and sure I love fruit, but none of this seems to slap me in the face and scream, "I'm pregnant."  This scares me. 

 

I'm afraid of jinxing myself.  I haven't told many people, because I'm afraid I'll jinx it.

 

As days pass on, I start to feel better about this, but it takes time.  I pray at the ultrasound they find some healthy looking embryos and some healthy heartbeats.  That is my next hurdle.  I'm am truly grateful for this pregnancy and I pray that it sticks.  Yesterday when I peed on a stick, my pregnancy line was extremely dark compared to the control line- this made my day.  This is my personal spring of hope.  I sighed in relief, and I began to believe this may actually work.