Friday, March 29, 2013

A Personal Spring

As you can tell from the pictures, I'm like a damn dog when it comes to peeing on things-only the fire hydrant are these wonderful little sticks. I might have an obsession, but partly because of my fear.  This is probably only a fraction of the sticks I have used during this entire process, so I will eventually need to buy some stock in First Response.   Some people may think I'm crazy, but today is the first day I haven't peed on a stick at least once.  As you can tell, I typically peed twice a day.  I am completely afraid that I will lose that line. 
I know I am jaded.  I remember the first time I saw a positive stick, I was so excited, but by the end of weekend it was stolen from me.  I know each day is precious and tomorrow is not a guarantee which sucks.  I wish I could continue with the niave innocence, but everybody's journey is different.
I am also afraid because I have had a few symptoms, but they come and go.  It certainly does not consist of my throwing up my insides each minutes, or being exhausted where I fall asleep doing things, and my boobs aren't Dollys.  Sure, I get nauseated, sure my veins on my body is becoming a map, sure I'm tired, and sure I love fruit, but none of this seems to slap me in the face and scream, "I'm pregnant."  This scares me. 
I'm afraid of jinxing myself.  I haven't told many people, because I'm afraid I'll jinx it.
As days pass on, I start to feel better about this, but it takes time.  I pray at the ultrasound they find some healthy looking embryos and some healthy heartbeats.  That is my next hurdle.  I'm am truly grateful for this pregnancy and I pray that it sticks.  Yesterday when I peed on a stick, my pregnancy line was extremely dark compared to the control line- this made my day.  This is my personal spring of hope.  I sighed in relief, and I began to believe this may actually work. 


  1. I bet peeing on a stick that is + is so fun! I bet you hear a great heartbeat at the US!

  2. Infertility and loss makes us a little obsessive, and I'm exactly the same way. I have about 4 boxes of HPT's in my cabinet waiting to be used this time for the exact same reasons. I'm terrified that I will get the BFP for only a brief moment before it's gone again. One day at a time. Take care of yourself.

  3. If it makes you feel any better, I had TONS of symptoms with our son Ethan (whom I ended up miscarrying) and barely any with my daughter (who is now 15 months old). It freaked me out at first that I didn't have symptoms but as you know, everybody's (and every baby's) different.

  4. I've been catching up on your blog. SO excited for you! Look at all those positives!

  5. That is a dark pregnancy line! So exciting! Hope you have a great first U/S!

  6. Ultrasound day!!!!!! Can't wait wait to hear the good news!!!!