I'm about to start a new cycle. I begin the Lupron this week and stop BCP in a week. I more at peace with this coming up cycle-maybe because I'm not engorged in it at the very moment! I kind of feel like it is going to work or it is not. I really have no control over this.
I've been reflecting on my pregnancies and miscarriages, and I really don't know if I have been any more successful since beginning fertility treatements. I remember the first time I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't doing anything special- not watching what I was eating or anything, other than timed intercourse- and I got pregnant. I was even smoking. When I found out, I quit and I haven't smoked since. Sometimes, I wonder if the cigarettes are what caused the miscarriage, but then I see the other miscarriages where nicotine wasn't a factor. I wish I know without a doubt what was wrong with me? But I don't. The doctor seems to believe it is mostly male factor infertility, but what about all the chemical pregnancies. Would that not indicate some kind of problem on my end? I wish I knew the answer, but I don't.
Infertility has torn through my life- a tornado of sorts- leaving me mostly destroyed. I wish I had control and the answers, but I don't. I'm learning to accept this.
I survived a baby shower last week for a coworker. I did spend some time, wondering if I'll ever have one, who knows.
I don't really know if I'm excited, but I don't have all the emotions. My hopes aren't up like they usually are, and granted this may change once I begin the cycle. A part of me just doesn't want to hurt.
I've been thinking a lot about a lot of different things. I'm working on writing several novels. The muses are surely talking to me. I've also been thinking about when we do have kids, do I really want to be at work? As hard as it has been to get them here, do I really want to waste anytime away from them growing up? It's hard because of finances and such, but I think if we could get out debts paid off we would be ok. So that's what I'm working on.