Sunday, February 10, 2013

About to begin a new cycle

I'm about to start a new cycle.  I begin the Lupron this week and stop BCP in a week.  I more at peace with this coming up cycle-maybe because I'm not engorged in it at the very moment!  I kind of feel like it is going to work or it is not.  I really have no control over this. 

I've been reflecting on my pregnancies and miscarriages, and I really don't know if I have been any more successful since beginning fertility treatements.  I remember the first time I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't doing anything special- not watching what I was eating or anything, other than timed intercourse- and I got pregnant.  I was even smoking.  When I found out, I quit and I haven't smoked since.  Sometimes, I wonder if the cigarettes are what caused the miscarriage, but then I see the other miscarriages where nicotine wasn't a factor.  I wish I know without a doubt what was wrong with me?  But I don't.  The doctor seems to believe it is mostly male factor infertility, but what about all the chemical pregnancies.  Would that not indicate some kind of problem on my end?  I wish I knew the answer, but I don't. 

Infertility has torn through my life- a tornado of sorts- leaving me mostly destroyed.  I wish I had control and the answers, but I don't.  I'm learning to accept this.

I survived a baby shower last week for a coworker.   I did spend some time, wondering if I'll ever have one, who knows.

I don't really know if I'm excited, but I don't have all the emotions.  My hopes aren't up like they usually are, and granted this may change once I begin the cycle.  A part of me just doesn't want to hurt.

I've been thinking a lot about a lot of different things.  I'm working on writing several novels.  The muses are surely talking to me.  I've also been thinking about when we do have kids, do I really want to be at work?  As hard as it has been to get them here, do I really want to waste anytime away from them growing up?  It's hard because of finances and such, but I think if we could get out debts paid off we would be ok.  So that's what I'm working on.


  1. Good luck with this new cycle! Sounds like you're wrestling with some difficult emotions and confusing questions. It can be so hard sometimes, especially those baby showers. I stopped going to them pretty early in our infertility journey. People were pretty understanding.

  2. Good luck! I went into this last cycle with the exact same attitude. It will either work or it won't. I had my game plan for what we would do if it didn't work. I was so much more at peace with the whole cycle! Praying things work out this cycle!

  3. I had a baby shower this weekend and unfortunately there was a lot of pressure to go and "save face" and my family, though they read my blog, still has a hard time understanding why a baby shower would be hard for me... :(

    Good luck with this cycle! It seems like a lot of your feelings are ones I have felt before too.

  4. Thinking about you during your next cycle. I think being a little indifferent like you are is a way to protect ourselves from the pain that all this mess causes. I am the same way.

  5. I hope everything works out. I know I don't truly understand the extent of your pain, but I understand your thinking process. On a lot of my cycles I went in thinking flat out that they would not work and I think that after all the let downs it is hard to think differently. Anyways, my fingers are crossed for you.

  6. Thinking of you! Good luck with your cycle!! I can totally relate to having a "blah" feeling...It's just so hard to go through the roller coast of emotions from pregnant to not-pregnant to failed-pregnancy... I too survived a baby shower last was so hard...someone asked about our IVF cycle and how things were going then to follow it up by saying "Guess, what? I'm 12 weeks pregnant right now". I literally felt like she took a huge contained of Epson Salt and poured it all over my wounded heart. Some friends of ours are having a gender reveal party for their twins on Saturday...I'm not sure if I can bring myself to go...I'm torn between the guilt of feeling that I SHOULD go and the feeling that I need to not go to protect my own heart.

    I'm praying this works out for you, for me, and for all of the couples out there who are down this extremely bumpy road called infertility.