Tomorrow the b**** is scheduled to arrive

Tomorrow, the bitch is scheduled to arrive.  I hate her; I really wish she wouldn't come see me anymore.  Looks like I'll probably have to add to the tote.

I keep hoping another line will show up.  I had the second line Saturday evening and it hasn't come back.  I guess the egg thought about implanting, and then had second thoughts; it was probably a chemical.  I keep hoping that that was just one of the eggs and the other one is and will implant successful, but unfortunately my days are numbered before AF.  It's that little hope that I keep holding on to, but I understand it is possible (just not probable).

This brings me back to my fear.  Here I am taking Baby Asprin, Progesterone, Vitamin D, prenatal vitamin with folic acid, dha, and two extra folic acid supplements, and I still have a chemical-really?! Does this mean that maybe the IUI was a success or my body just a failure.  Have we not figured out why my body feels the need to spontaneous abort life or at least not substain it?  I can spend all this money on fertility treatments, but if we have not gotten to the root of the problem- is it all just a flush down the toilet?

I have also decided as I presevere through this infertility journey, that preseverence is probably the closest thing to insanity.  Or perhaps it's a question of which came first (kind of like the chicken or egg).

This is my current state,

Birthdays and Anniversaries and Somewhere in Between

Hubby’s Birthday (August 17)

Today, we celebrated my hubby’s birthday!  He is pretty amazing.  Most guys wont get their balls chopped on, but he did for me.  He’s amazing because he allowed the surgeons to remove the variocele.   We went to my parents house, and had cake and ice cream.  I got him a paintball grenade launcher charger, deer skinning set, and a shirt that says, “Don’t like police: next time your in trouble, try calling a crackhead!”  He seemed to enjoy his birthday!

 RIP Angel baby 2 due date anniversary (August 16)

So please don’t judge, I just need to do this letter.  It will make me feel better.  Part of me feels like the only way to eternalize anything is to write it, and it’ll last forever.  So this letter is nothing but the truth and my truth in how I feel.  I had to write it.  I know I will be ok, and it takes a while to heal a broken heart, but I will get there. 

To my angel baby #2:

Today, should have been your birthday; instead my body decided to kill you about 8 mos ago.  For two weeks of bleeding, and I have nothing to hold.  Yet I find myself wanting to hold on to you.  I have nothing, other than a memory of when I saw the double lines, how I felt when the hcg was increasing, but none of that really matters.  I have nothing.  No first smile, no labor story, no other memory such as those, other than what might have been.  It is the what might have been that kills me- stabs me in the ovaries.  What might have been if I had found out I was pregnant sooner?  What might have been if I had researched enough to know how to stop my body from killing you?  What might have been, had I had you to hold today?

Please forgive me, because I can’t seem to forgive myself.  I know logically it doesn’t make sense; my head tells me there is nothing I could have done, but my heart tells me there had to be something. 

May my prayers embrace you with hugs and kisses, because I will never be able to. For that, I’m truly sorry!

I love you forever and always!

I guess I just figured....

20 years ago….

I guess I just figured first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.

15 years ago

I guess I just figured Aunt Flo was only used by tweens, so boys wouldn’t know they were talking about their period.

10 years ago….

I guess I just figured everyone got pregnant, and usually they were accidents.  I figured to get pregnant it only took one sperm and one egg, so all that was needed was one man and one woman.

5 years ago….

I guess I just figured getting pregnant would come easy.  When I wanted and was ready to have kids, all we’d have to do is have sex.  I figured it might take a few months, but I’d definitely be able to have  my first baby at the  ideal age of 25.  I figured to have a big family might take time- time having sex.

This year

I guess I just figured….

I guess I just figured that we would for sure get pregnant with the more minor drugs.  We’ve been pregnant twice and that was natural.  I will be starting my last cycle of Femara, and everything I’ve read online seems more promising for the first cycle of use. 

It scares me- completely terrifies me to know that I’ll will potentially be moving on to shots.  Not because shots hurt or anything like that, but shots are typically a precursor to IUI and IVF.  This scares me because of the costs associated with these procedures.  Will my family be limited because of financial means?  Another reason this scares me is because it may take years to get the first one here.  I have always wanted a big family- I’d say five, so I could have a tie breaker, but I know as you get older things don’t work as well, and I’m already having issues when I’m supposed to be in my prime.  I also know that a study was done that showed women with O- blood where more likely to go through early menopause, so I may not have the time that someone else may have.  It scares me because I am getting steps closer to finding out that maybe I won’t be able to experience full term pregnancy.  What if there is nothing we can do about my murderous body.  I hate how it has murdered two and slowly suffocating my dreams. 

I know this seems very negative.  I was pretty positive until AF arrived-whatta bitch!  Sure, I could blame this on hormones, but I’m not using that as my crutch.  I think this is how I really feel.  I have figured a lot of things, and I don’t know what I believe now; other than I am one scared girl!

Infertility Shoes

This video illustrates some of the ignorant things others say.  It kind of makes the infertile path a little humorous.

Costs of IF thus far

I saw another blogger keep a tally of what their journey had cost them thus far, and I decided to do the same. Eventually, I will put it on this blog. So I decided to calculate the bills of everything from 2011 on. Keep in mind, this is not discussing any emotional costs, just pocketbook costs. Granted, this does not include opk (which cost over $30 per month) and the pregnancy sticks (which is about $8 for a three pack) which will usually last me about a day. I know a bit obsessive, but I hold out hope that each stick may result in a different result. So what if I took it the morning and afternoon, hcg builds fast and perhaps this evening will show me a different result. Last month, I used and bought ten packages of pregnancy sticks. Another part of me feels like if I find out early enough, I can go to the doctor and this one might be able to be saved. I have spent over 22,000 dollars in infertility treatments, diagnostics, etc. yet I have nothing to show for it. I don't have a baby; I don't have a bump. It's kind of like my miscarriages: nothing left but a bill. I guess I feel fustrated because I have spent 22,000; yet, hospitals don't require others to place a huge down payment before the family collects their baby from the nursery. In fact, some people can even collect welfare and yet they are allowed to pop out kids like a popcorn machine.

How our journey began

This blog is to chronicle our journey to have a baby.  We met at work in 2004 and soon fell in love, and in 2008 we married in October.  For most of our relationship, we thought we were really good at the pull-out method, so we decided to stop pulling out after we were married.  My obsession with temperature charting and peeing on opk's paid off, because in January 2011 I became pregnant.  As soon as I found out, I began to cramp and this little life oozed out of me for two weeks.  This wasn't suppose to happen.  You were suppose to be happy you got pregnant and 9 mos later you would deliver a healthy baby.  I didn't know a single person who was pregnant and had a miscarriage!

After that, I asked my gyno for a fertility workup.  All of my hormone levels came back fine.  My temperature charts, revealed some months with me not ovulating and the ultrasound revealed my uterine lining was small, so my doctor gave me prescription for clomid.  So I started Clomid in November of 2011.

  The husband has a sperm analysis which did not look very promising.  He scored a 68 on motility, and they wanted 150, so we went to a urologist.  He copped a feel on my hubby and felt a varicocele, so he recommended surgery.  I knew the fact I was having my hubby take hot baths could be the culprit, so I made him stop and we agreed to another sperm analysis in three months.  Three months later, his sperm analysis of motility  improved to 125, so we figured we were headed in the right direction.

In December of 2011, I found out I was pregnant 11 dpo.  On day 13, my temperature dropped, so I called the doctor.  She had me get my hcg pulled two days apart.  The first day it was 24, the second one was 110, but I started bleeding.  So the doctor had me take another blood test, and my hcg had dropped to 48.  I lost another one.

In January of 2012, my husband decided to get the surgery to fix his varicocele.  Three months later his motility has improved to 145, close to the 150 normal.

In March, I asked my gyno to refer me to a fertility specialist.  So I met him in April.  He took a look at all my tests and ran some more.  He prescribed my femara and progesterone for the luteal phase.  One of my labworks revealed I tested positive for a MTHRFR gene, but the doctor says it is the lower risk one.  After I did my research, I was concerned this may be the reason for the miscarriages, so I called the doctors and he said as a precaution I can take 2-3mg of folic acid and a baby asprin.   I'm currently on my second cycle, so we shall see.