Tomorrow the b**** is scheduled to arrive

Tomorrow, the bitch is scheduled to arrive.  I hate her; I really wish she wouldn't come see me anymore.  Looks like I'll probably have to add to the tote.

I keep hoping another line will show up.  I had the second line Saturday evening and it hasn't come back.  I guess the egg thought about implanting, and then had second thoughts; it was probably a chemical.  I keep hoping that that was just one of the eggs and the other one is and will implant successful, but unfortunately my days are numbered before AF.  It's that little hope that I keep holding on to, but I understand it is possible (just not probable).

This brings me back to my fear.  Here I am taking Baby Asprin, Progesterone, Vitamin D, prenatal vitamin with folic acid, dha, and two extra folic acid supplements, and I still have a chemical-really?! Does this mean that maybe the IUI was a success or my body just a failure.  Have we not figured out why my body feels the need to spontaneous abort life or at least not substain it?  I can spend all this money on fertility treatments, but if we have not gotten to the root of the problem- is it all just a flush down the toilet?

I have also decided as I presevere through this infertility journey, that preseverence is probably the closest thing to insanity.  Or perhaps it's a question of which came first (kind of like the chicken or egg).

This is my current state,

2 Eggs 1 Cup

I received a positive opk, so I called the doctor to schedule my IUI.  The doctor looked at my lining, she said it was perfect.  Then she looked and found two follicles on my right ovary!  That's right my right ovary is rocking!  I have one measuring at 20 mm and one at 18 mm.  Both are pop-able!  Anways, she gave me a trigger shot and tomorrow we have our IUI.  I'm really excited about this cycle.  I'm feeling pretty positive about it!

Last Femara Cycle

I called to refill my Femara prescription and realized it was my last refill, so what do I do next?  So I called the doctor to ask them what they would like me to do.  If I need to schedule in the middle of the cycle or at the end, so next cycle would not be a bust.  My doctor is recommending Femara + IUI.  If this cycle doesn't work, we will be moving on to injectables. 

I'm just kind indifferent about it all.  I just want something that will work.  It sucks because it means I'm getting closer ivf.  I think I will ask my doctor about a trigger shot with this cycle.  If I'm producing the eggs and the lining looks good on Femara, why have I not gotten pregnant?  Is it possible I'm not actually releasing an egg and just going through the motion?  So this cycle, I will be waiting for my positive opk.

I guess I just figured....

20 years ago….

I guess I just figured first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.

15 years ago

I guess I just figured Aunt Flo was only used by tweens, so boys wouldn’t know they were talking about their period.

10 years ago….

I guess I just figured everyone got pregnant, and usually they were accidents.  I figured to get pregnant it only took one sperm and one egg, so all that was needed was one man and one woman.

5 years ago….

I guess I just figured getting pregnant would come easy.  When I wanted and was ready to have kids, all we’d have to do is have sex.  I figured it might take a few months, but I’d definitely be able to have  my first baby at the  ideal age of 25.  I figured to have a big family might take time- time having sex.

This year

I guess I just figured….

I guess I just figured that we would for sure get pregnant with the more minor drugs.  We’ve been pregnant twice and that was natural.  I will be starting my last cycle of Femara, and everything I’ve read online seems more promising for the first cycle of use. 

It scares me- completely terrifies me to know that I’ll will potentially be moving on to shots.  Not because shots hurt or anything like that, but shots are typically a precursor to IUI and IVF.  This scares me because of the costs associated with these procedures.  Will my family be limited because of financial means?  Another reason this scares me is because it may take years to get the first one here.  I have always wanted a big family- I’d say five, so I could have a tie breaker, but I know as you get older things don’t work as well, and I’m already having issues when I’m supposed to be in my prime.  I also know that a study was done that showed women with O- blood where more likely to go through early menopause, so I may not have the time that someone else may have.  It scares me because I am getting steps closer to finding out that maybe I won’t be able to experience full term pregnancy.  What if there is nothing we can do about my murderous body.  I hate how it has murdered two and slowly suffocating my dreams. 

I know this seems very negative.  I was pretty positive until AF arrived-whatta bitch!  Sure, I could blame this on hormones, but I’m not using that as my crutch.  I think this is how I really feel.  I have figured a lot of things, and I don’t know what I believe now; other than I am one scared girl!

"A Smile Confuses an Approaching Frown"

This smiley face sure is confusing me!  WTH?  I'm only on cylce day 11.  Technically, I'm on cycle day 10 from my Femara count.  I can't believe I have a positive opk.  Is this not too early?  Sure I'm glad to see the little cuss smiling at me, but I just don't trust my body.  I can't believe I'm ready.  If this is actually positive, this is kind of nice considering we have the whole family reunion coming up.  I knew something was up this morning when my temperature plummeted.  I'll keep taking my temperature, but  we'll have to baby dance like crazy. 

Femara Cycle Three

It is officially CD3, so I must begin Femara. After two prior failed cycles with Femara, I remain positive. Just positively hoping for a positive. Today is a good day; sometimes, it is hard to be positive, when I have been let down for two years. I pray that I will get the opportunity to experience full-term healthy pregnancy. At the beginning of each cycle (yes, obsessed), I check to see what the potential due date would be if I were to conceive in this month. So I checked based on my period and it said April 21- wouldn't that make an awesome birthday present? (My birthday is April 23). Hoping threes a charm!!!! Anways, here's some info about this cycle: FYI about this cycle: I am taking Femara 5mg on CD 3-7 I am taking baby aspirin I am taking prenatal vitamin with DHA I am taking two additional folic acid 400 mg vitamins I am exercising (try to do thirty minutes every day) I will be using an opk and having timed intercourse We will be having sex everyday when it gets close to O time (of course in gravity friendly positions and I wait in bed for thirty minutes afterward without moving usually with my pelvis propped) I picked up Preseed, just in case.