Tomorrow

We go to Gatlinburg!!!  I am so excited!  It will be nice to get away, instead of focusing on the IVF. 

I called ARC and their interest rates range from 3.99 to 19.99- WTF?!  Are you kidding me?!  That's the same as a credit card, and I don't own a credit card for that reason?!  Let's say we got the 19%, we would never pay off our IVF!

So this is what I am thinking:  maybe we'll take out a home equity line of credit if we qualify.  I don't know because we just refinaced the house.  We only need about 1100 for the IVF plus, then we'll hopefully pay for the ICSI (1200) out of pocket.  Then we'll have medicinces, which will use savings; which the meds will be between 2,000-5,000.  I'm hoping for the 2,000 range.

It's the financing of IVF that stresses you out, so needless to say, I need to get out of town.  Clear my head, because I'm going to allow this to stress me out.

IVF Calendar Thus Far

Sun	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thurs	Fri	Sat
		10/30   Brandon and Aut:  Appt. at 2:00 PM IVF Teaching (1/2 day)	10/31	11/1	11/2	11/3
11/4	11/5   Aut:  No School	11/6   Aut:  No School	11/7	11/8	11/9	11/10
11/11	11/12	11/13	11/14	11/15	11/16   Aut:  Take Last Birth Control Pill	11/17
11/18	11/19	11/20	11/21   Brandon and Aut: Female FDA labs Consent forms due, baseline E2 and U/S, freeze back-up sperm   Aut: No School	11/22   Thanksgiving   Aut: start Follistum 250 u   Aut: No School	11/23   Aut: No School	11/24   Aut:  start estrogen patch
11/25	11/26   Aut: culture E2 and U/S	11/27   Aut: begin another type of shot	11/28   Brandon and Aut: E2 and U/S, Male FDA labs Aut:  start estrogen patch	11/29	11/30   Brandon and Aut: E2 and U/S, and Brandon learns to give trigger shot	12/1   Aut:  start estrogen patch
12/2	12/3	12/4   Brandon and Aut:  Probable Egg Retreival (give or take 2 days)	12/5   Aut:  start estrogen patch	12/6	12/7   Brandon and Aut:  Probable Embryo Transfer (give or take 2 days, depending on retrieval date) Aut:  Rest at home	12/8   Aut:  start estrogen patch   Aut:  Rest at home
12/9   Aut:  Rest at home	12/10   Aut:  Rest at home	12/11	12/12   Aut:  start estrogen patch	12/13	12/14	12/15   Aut:  start estrogen patch
12/16	12/17	12/18	12/19   Brandon and Aut:  Pregnancy Test at Office

Met with the doctor today

Met with the doctor today, and we made our calendar.  We will complete our IVF in December.  Anyways, now I just wait for a period and then I will begin birth control pills.  So excited!!!

The week ahead.

Tuesday is the big IVF consult with the doctor.  I'm excited because of the success rate.  I'm apprehensive/emotional because 1 in 8 people have fertility issue- guess I won that jackpot.  Then majority of couples infertility can be resolved through medication or iui- once again it didn't work for us- won the jackpot again.  For some reason we like being in the small number of people group- uggh!  So I'm hoping, praying and using all my energy to make this successful (secretly, I admit I have no control on whether it will work, but ?I have control on diet, weight, etc).

Then next Sunday, we are going on a vacation- a much needed vacation.  I feel like our relationship is stronger because of the struggle, but the struggle is the focus of our lives.  We need to time to reconnect and focus on each other.  I'm beyond excited.

I Would Die For That

This is such an emotional video!  I can truly relate to the writer of this song!!!

Trying and struggling to stay positive

“But it just goes to show that if you’re strong and you’re positive, great things can come out of the darkest time in your life,” Rancic said.


Thank you!  I needed this quotation today!  Trying and struggling lately to stay positive.

Joy someone else is pregnant

1%er is me.  It's not as exciting as being a 1%er on Gangland where it's the 1%er that have killed someone.  Technically, I'm like the 1% of people that must have an ivf in order to get pregnant.  It is not equally as fun.  In fact, I think this whole infertility may make me part of the elite class of 1%er who break the law.  I have had some murderous thoughts towards strangers who have a kid but neglect them in Walmart, I think, "And they get a kid?"

Today was a double whammy.  On facebook, two friends have annouced their pregnancy today.  For one, this is her second kid she has had since I've been on my infertility journey.  I know this probably isn't fair for me to make this judgement, but deep down I feel like if a person hasn't dealt with any infertility then they don't deserve a kid.  I know it is wrong for me to make this judgement, but that's how I feel.  Does anyone else feel this way?  Any coping ideas?

Not your average panhandler

I've been thinking of the money associated with three letters: IVF, and to be honest it scares the hell out of me.  The fact that I will be enslaved to a debt scares me.  So I've been thinking of fundraising for my ivf.  I figured every little bit helps.  So what do you think about fundraising for ivf?  Any fundraising ideas?

I had to have peace

I had to have peace with our game plan.  The hubby finally came back from Ohio from his inservice.  We will meet with the dr. on Sept 25 for our IVF consult.  We will probably have our ivf in December.  We will try a couple of IVF cycles, and if that doesn't work, depending on egg quality we may do donor sperm  (if eggs are penetratable and look good).  If that doesn't work or eggs are not that good, we will adopt. 

My Husband couldn't go, so I took my money to the doctors

Femara- out!  So I was scheduled to have a consult with the doctor.  I knew exactly what I was going to ask her when it came down to questions, because I knew we were basically going to be doing the same thing- femara and iui.

"I think we might want to discuss IVF," echo in my ears.  WTF?  At that point the prior questions left my thought.  So I asked her what is our statistics on everything?  And here was her break down:
My husband and I not doing any medication- about 2% chance each month
My husband and I doing drugs and iui- about 5-10% chance each month
Normal couple without any fertility problems- 20% chance each month
My husband and I using IVF- 50% chance each month

We scheduled our IVF consult for the 25.  Looks like we will probably begin IVF in December.

She arrived and brought a gift

AF finally arrived.  If anyone has any ideas on why she wouldn't come until 18 dpo, please let me know.  Guess I'll call the RE to get my game plan for the new cycle.

Below is AF Gift 3:

I couldn't find monkeys, so I went with this duckling theme.  We have two towels, one is a duck head hooded towel and then a duckling bath robe.  I can't wait until I have a duckling of my own.  Maybe next cycle.  My hubby's vitamins should be arriving this week, so he can begin the FertilAid and Motility Boost.

Still Waiting

Here I am, it is 18 dpiui and I still haven't received my period.  I had the one positive like 8 days ago, but all negative pregnancy sticks since then.  Why is my body doing this to me?  I'm ready or my period, so I can begin a new cycle.  Has anyone else had a similar thing and what causes it?  The only thing I can find online is a cyst. 

I'm not shy

To whom this may concern:

Have you ever felt like you could just grab Mother Nature and punch her in the ovaries?  I have, and this is my story that I would love the opportunity to share with others.

Brandon and I began dating in 2004; I was only 18.  After a couple of years, we did the pull out method of birth control, and we continued this practice until we were married in 2008;  I just thought we were damn good at pull out method.  Fast forward to January 2011, after months of tracking my temperature and utilizing ovulation predictor kits, I finally received my second line on a pregnancy test.  Within two days of receiving my positive, the excitement along with my pregnancy was being flushed down the drain- I experienced my first miscarriage.

In April, I ask my gynecologist for help.  She takes many tests and we discover that my body doesn’t always ovulate and my husband’s sperm don’t really know how to swim. I begin Clomid and in December of 2011, I conceive again.  “A miscarriage happens, but not two in row,” my naive self thought.   Within a couple of days, my temperature dropped and I began to bleed.  The HCG in my blood increased from an 8 to a 24 to 108, and suddenly a 4.  My body was proving my naive self wrong.  That moment pushed Brandon into receiving a varicocele surgery to remove a varicose vein from his testicles.

In April, I was finally referred to a Reproductive Encrinologist.  I am currently taking Femara and undergoing IUI.  If this does not work, we will be referred to IVF. 

I always figured I would easily have my big family.  My fertility struggles are counter balanced with the lives of family members.  Almost all of my cousins on my mom’s side had their first child when they were only 19, and here we are waiting for our chance to become pregnant. 

I cope with the arrival of Aunt Flo by buying something for our future baby and put the items in a tote.  I didn’t expect my tote to be filling up already.  When I look at the lack of the room in this tote, it reminds me of how many failed cycles, how many times my body has failed me.  I have become a true uterus hater, all because Mother Nature can be a bitch.

Thank you for your consideration,

Tomorrow the b**** is scheduled to arrive

Tomorrow, the bitch is scheduled to arrive.  I hate her; I really wish she wouldn't come see me anymore.  Looks like I'll probably have to add to the tote.

I keep hoping another line will show up.  I had the second line Saturday evening and it hasn't come back.  I guess the egg thought about implanting, and then had second thoughts; it was probably a chemical.  I keep hoping that that was just one of the eggs and the other one is and will implant successful, but unfortunately my days are numbered before AF.  It's that little hope that I keep holding on to, but I understand it is possible (just not probable).

This brings me back to my fear.  Here I am taking Baby Asprin, Progesterone, Vitamin D, prenatal vitamin with folic acid, dha, and two extra folic acid supplements, and I still have a chemical-really?! Does this mean that maybe the IUI was a success or my body just a failure.  Have we not figured out why my body feels the need to spontaneous abort life or at least not substain it?  I can spend all this money on fertility treatments, but if we have not gotten to the root of the problem- is it all just a flush down the toilet?

I have also decided as I presevere through this infertility journey, that preseverence is probably the closest thing to insanity.  Or perhaps it's a question of which came first (kind of like the chicken or egg).

This is my current state,

Everytime a second line shows an angel gets its wings

Last night I went to Barnes and Noble and saw this quotation on magnet "When the catipillar thought his life was over, he became a beautiful butterfly."  After that I was full of so much hope, I decided to take another test (I know obsessing a little) and I got a positive.  I was so excited/apprehensive because of my two miscarriages last year.  So I decided to take another test this morning, and sure enough the second line is gone, so I guess it was a chemical pg.  It just really sucks; I feel like my body hates me and will do anything to sabotage plans of a family; my heart hurts so much.

I don't think the 2nd line isn't coming back

I don't think the second line is coming back.  This is 12 dpo and in my previous positive it occurred on 12 dpo, so I think this is another cycle down the drain. I try not dwell and move on to the next cycle by planning.  My husband and I have discussed our next steps. 

I think we are going to try one more iui and if that is unsuccessful, we will start saving a lot of money or take out a loan for ivf.  The doctor's office has an affording ivf seminar once a month, so I think we will try to go to that this coming up month.  The teacher who works next door to me at school is currently going through ivf from there and now she's in the waiting stages, and so I asked how much it all costs.  The costs for everything adds up to 12,000.  So maybe I'll do some baked sales or try to rake in some donations, because it is so expensive, and I can try for some scholarships, but we will see.  Trying not to put the cart infront of the horse.

(Not Ferility Related) Reminders that Life isn't Fair

Today another former student died.  The first one died on graduation day when he was supposed to walk.  He was in a car accident.  The second one was accidently shot.  It so surreal; it’s heartbreaking.  To see such young kiddos die, it’s just a reminder that life is not fair and everyone must seize the day.