The past is the past. It is hard to leave it there. I constantly hold onto my three "offical" chemical pregnancies, because I use this as a source of hope, a source of hurt and source of yearning. Why can't I keep the past in the past? Perhaps, my emotional wellbeing would be in a better state.
When I look back at 2012 I think of all the ups and downs. The ups: renewing my relationship with B, enjoying my job, and nursing a kitten to life, renewed hope in transfer to RE. The downs: failed IUIs, failed IVF, failure is a hard thing to accept. But in the same time, better than 2011 that began and ended with a miscarriage.
I am completely terrified of what 2013 has in store. I am terrified of our FET. But 2013 and the FET are coming and I can't stop it. I shouldn't be terrified because of what could happen, I need to be hopeful for what might happen. In the end, I know that what's the worst case scenario- I'm in the same boat I am now.
I guess I'm ready for a new year, but how do I let go? How do I let go of 2012? or even before? How do I let go of my fears?
Happy 2013 to everyone! To all of my friends in the infertile community, maybe this will be our year! Trying to think of only positives....
Monday, December 31, 2012
Friday, December 28, 2012
FET Consult with Doc
Today we met with the doctor. She seemed even more aggravated that the IVF didn't work for us, but she said, "we are going to get this to work for ya'll." It makes me feel great that I have a doctor with the same determination and drive that we do. I got to visit with the camera dildo and my uterus is back to normal, and my ovaries have some residual from the ivf cycle but it's getting back to normal. So I remain on active birth control pills until Feb 11. I begin Lupron February 5. I will also begin the whole estrogen regime; this time I'll be using the patch and the pills. We will have a lining check on February 28, so hopefully everything looks great. Depending on how my lining looks will determine when we do the transfer.
I asked the doctor if we should transfer two or three because two didn't work. She said that these are hardier because the ones we transfered at day 3 and only 8 cells, while the ones we will be transferring will be about 100 cells, so she recommeneded just transfering two. I feel a lot more optimistic about this cycle. I've been exercising, so hopefully this will help too. With the ivf cycle, I put everything on hold, gained some weight (admittingly comfort food eater). So anyways, I'm going to lose weight and get in good shape, so that if I do become pregnant, I will be as healthy as possible.
Anyways, looks like I'll be doing an March FET.
I asked the doctor if we should transfer two or three because two didn't work. She said that these are hardier because the ones we transfered at day 3 and only 8 cells, while the ones we will be transferring will be about 100 cells, so she recommeneded just transfering two. I feel a lot more optimistic about this cycle. I've been exercising, so hopefully this will help too. With the ivf cycle, I put everything on hold, gained some weight (admittingly comfort food eater). So anyways, I'm going to lose weight and get in good shape, so that if I do become pregnant, I will be as healthy as possible.
Anyways, looks like I'll be doing an March FET.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Merry Christmas Everyone
It's been a trying couple of days with the whole failed IVF. I keep reminiscing how 2012 was suppose to be my year and how 2011 was suppose to be my year. I honestly do not know or think that 2013 is going to be my year. I would like to think so, but this optimistic attitude does nothing but break each failed cycle. My husband tries so hard to be supportive, he says, "We'll have our turn." Yeah maybe if life was full of sugar plums, rainbows and unicorns, but in the end reality check: life isn't fair. Taking turns and sharing is fair, but life isn't that way.
I have used all my sick days on IVF and IUI's, so now I'm kind of stuck. I think I'm going to try to schedule the FET during Spring Break, so I won't have to miss many days of school. Plus, I read a statistic of IVF that it is more successful in the spring, then summer, then fall, and least successful in winter. I don't know if it will help, but all I can do is try.
Yesterday, we visited one of my good friends, she's like a baby sister to me. She has her child, A who is a sassy little 1.5 year old. I just love her to pieces. A latched on to me, and when she was getting tired she wanted ME to hold her. I don't know what it is about a child's head, but when they rest it on your heart, it instantly melts it. While I had fun, I couldn't help but wonder will I ever get my own? Always the Aunt, never the mother.
Tonight, we go to the inlaws to visit. I think this will be harder because there will be a newborn baby. B's cousin just had theirs, and it just is kind of a downer to any infertile when someone conceives accidently. What I wouldn't do to be in that situation. Instead, I get rounds of medication that suppose to help, or even the whole going scientist on your ass with the IVF, but still nothing. It sucks!
So anyways, to get my mind preoccupied... We have made our game plan of when to move on to the next step. It may take time, because of the medical discrimination amongst infertiles who have to pay for their medical costs, but that's another posting. We have decided to the FET, and if that doesn't work, we'll do a total of two more fresh IVF and the FET that it allows. If that doesn't work, we'll move on to something else.
Now in the ideal world and the FET works, I've made a plan to get out of debt. I have a plan laid out to pay off the infertility loan by December 2013. Then pay off the car by December 2014. Then pay off the house within 10 years. But that's in the whole ideal world where there won't be added bills, or more fertility costs.
Anyways, I just wanted to wish a Merry Christmas to everyone!!!
I have used all my sick days on IVF and IUI's, so now I'm kind of stuck. I think I'm going to try to schedule the FET during Spring Break, so I won't have to miss many days of school. Plus, I read a statistic of IVF that it is more successful in the spring, then summer, then fall, and least successful in winter. I don't know if it will help, but all I can do is try.
Yesterday, we visited one of my good friends, she's like a baby sister to me. She has her child, A who is a sassy little 1.5 year old. I just love her to pieces. A latched on to me, and when she was getting tired she wanted ME to hold her. I don't know what it is about a child's head, but when they rest it on your heart, it instantly melts it. While I had fun, I couldn't help but wonder will I ever get my own? Always the Aunt, never the mother.
Tonight, we go to the inlaws to visit. I think this will be harder because there will be a newborn baby. B's cousin just had theirs, and it just is kind of a downer to any infertile when someone conceives accidently. What I wouldn't do to be in that situation. Instead, I get rounds of medication that suppose to help, or even the whole going scientist on your ass with the IVF, but still nothing. It sucks!
So anyways, to get my mind preoccupied... We have made our game plan of when to move on to the next step. It may take time, because of the medical discrimination amongst infertiles who have to pay for their medical costs, but that's another posting. We have decided to the FET, and if that doesn't work, we'll do a total of two more fresh IVF and the FET that it allows. If that doesn't work, we'll move on to something else.
Now in the ideal world and the FET works, I've made a plan to get out of debt. I have a plan laid out to pay off the infertility loan by December 2013. Then pay off the car by December 2014. Then pay off the house within 10 years. But that's in the whole ideal world where there won't be added bills, or more fertility costs.
Anyways, I just wanted to wish a Merry Christmas to everyone!!!
Friday, December 21, 2012
Emotionally better
I feel emotionally better today. I know that it is not the end all of cycles. I will continue to try and what's the worst case scenario? I'll be in the same boat I am now. What's the best case scenario? I will get pregnant, stay pregnant and deliver a healthy baby and enjoy it. I think the worst is how I am now- I will survive. It's the best that I'm hoping for, but there will be more cycles.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
More to the story
I was correct in my thoughts. I am in fact having a chemical pregnacy or early miscarriage. I'm suppose to go back on Wednesday to verify that my hcg levels are at 0.
I'm suppose to go ahead and start my birth control since I'm bleeding so heavy. I absolutely hate birth control pills. Nothing personally but they drain the sex life. I mean here I am going through their pseudo menapausal state and the side effect that is the understatement of a lifetime is vaginal dryness. I can try lube, but it only seems like the vag absorbs it or perhaps it's so dry it evaporates that quickly. Uggh!
I'm also suppose to call back and schedule another appointment for FET. I asked the doctor point blank, "If we put in the two best embryos, what are the odds that the others will even work?" The doctor was stunned that it didn't work for us, but said ultimately, it comes down to having a 50% chance. 1/2 of the time it doesn't. She also said that those were the two best embryos on day 3, but they are frozen on day 5 or 6. We had five frozen, and three of them are graded as AA, 1 is AB, and 1 is BC. I would really like for this to work, but I'm very doubtful. The fresh didn't work. I had a chemical. So now, I need to find out is it better to do it sooner than later and if FMLA will cover days that I need to be off work to complete this. I have exhausted almost all of my days for two IUIs and an IVF. Part of me would rather go ahead and do the FET sooner, so if it doesn't work, I can use the summer vacation to do another fresh cycle. Luckily, I purchased 1 cycle plus 1, but I also have to do the FET in a certain amount of time.
I guess what bothers me the most is that I continue to get my hopes up. After everything. Like we did this cycle in december. Every December I tend to have an early miscarriage. I thought well this would show that third times a charm. Instead, December decided to show me three strikes your out. I also think it is funny, in a not so funny way, in regards to literature, we always discuss winter as a symbol for death, ending, etc. Kind of ironic when I apply it to my pregnancies. Winter encompasses my heart.
I'm suppose to go ahead and start my birth control since I'm bleeding so heavy. I absolutely hate birth control pills. Nothing personally but they drain the sex life. I mean here I am going through their pseudo menapausal state and the side effect that is the understatement of a lifetime is vaginal dryness. I can try lube, but it only seems like the vag absorbs it or perhaps it's so dry it evaporates that quickly. Uggh!
I'm also suppose to call back and schedule another appointment for FET. I asked the doctor point blank, "If we put in the two best embryos, what are the odds that the others will even work?" The doctor was stunned that it didn't work for us, but said ultimately, it comes down to having a 50% chance. 1/2 of the time it doesn't. She also said that those were the two best embryos on day 3, but they are frozen on day 5 or 6. We had five frozen, and three of them are graded as AA, 1 is AB, and 1 is BC. I would really like for this to work, but I'm very doubtful. The fresh didn't work. I had a chemical. So now, I need to find out is it better to do it sooner than later and if FMLA will cover days that I need to be off work to complete this. I have exhausted almost all of my days for two IUIs and an IVF. Part of me would rather go ahead and do the FET sooner, so if it doesn't work, I can use the summer vacation to do another fresh cycle. Luckily, I purchased 1 cycle plus 1, but I also have to do the FET in a certain amount of time.
I guess what bothers me the most is that I continue to get my hopes up. After everything. Like we did this cycle in december. Every December I tend to have an early miscarriage. I thought well this would show that third times a charm. Instead, December decided to show me three strikes your out. I also think it is funny, in a not so funny way, in regards to literature, we always discuss winter as a symbol for death, ending, etc. Kind of ironic when I apply it to my pregnancies. Winter encompasses my heart.
Confirmation
Today we went to the doctors. We found out that our IVF cycle was not successful which I kind of knew anyways. It sucks! I'll post more at a later date, just really down today.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
I just don't know what to think
I finally got a second line on my FRER hpt on 10dp3dt on a stupid defective test; that is right, a defective test. Where the line was suppose to be it was a hollow line. It looked liked there were two pink lines and then the control line, so I didn't get my hopes up.
I begin spotting the mauve color that comes with every pregnancy I have ever had the next day. Later of course, I begin to bleed and cramp the next day. Really hoping I'm not having another miscarriage. It shouldn't be the progesterone levels because I'm taking supplements of that.
I go to the doctor's tomorrow where they'll draw blood and do a urine test. I'm afraid my hcg levels will be unusally low. So low, they will tell me I am infact not pregnant. Or low, that it looks like it is not viable. Or that it is positive, but we will need to continue to monitor it.
I am hoping they are great and they double within two days. I don't think this will be the case. The FRER are still pretty light and I would be the equivilant of 14dpo, so surely it would be similar to the control line. Infertility sucks!
I begin spotting the mauve color that comes with every pregnancy I have ever had the next day. Later of course, I begin to bleed and cramp the next day. Really hoping I'm not having another miscarriage. It shouldn't be the progesterone levels because I'm taking supplements of that.
I go to the doctor's tomorrow where they'll draw blood and do a urine test. I'm afraid my hcg levels will be unusally low. So low, they will tell me I am infact not pregnant. Or low, that it looks like it is not viable. Or that it is positive, but we will need to continue to monitor it.
I am hoping they are great and they double within two days. I don't think this will be the case. The FRER are still pretty light and I would be the equivilant of 14dpo, so surely it would be similar to the control line. Infertility sucks!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
7dp3dt
I have started the craze aspect of POAS. I want to have time to absorb a positive or negative before the doctor's appointment, so that I will have quesitons prepared to ask. I know some people will judge me and say to wait until the doctor's appointment, but I think that would cause me greater stress.
Right now, everything is negative. I know it is early, but I also know I have a history of negative tests, so why should this be any different. I would love to get a positive, but I need the poas to keep me grounded. I also know that I would be equivilent to 10dpo, and the notion of getting a positive is not out of this world. I also know that frer advertises that you can see a positive 6 days before missed period; that would have been yesterday.
I'm really going to be bummed if this doesn't work. Probably a little heartbroken, but I will get through it. I think a lot of times in the infertility community, fertiles and outsiders don't realize the strength it takes, and the only reason we muster the strength is because we have no other option.
My doctor's appointment is this Thursday. Luckily, I have a lot of things I can work on for work to keep my mind preoccupied some.
Right now, everything is negative. I know it is early, but I also know I have a history of negative tests, so why should this be any different. I would love to get a positive, but I need the poas to keep me grounded. I also know that I would be equivilent to 10dpo, and the notion of getting a positive is not out of this world. I also know that frer advertises that you can see a positive 6 days before missed period; that would have been yesterday.
I'm really going to be bummed if this doesn't work. Probably a little heartbroken, but I will get through it. I think a lot of times in the infertility community, fertiles and outsiders don't realize the strength it takes, and the only reason we muster the strength is because we have no other option.
My doctor's appointment is this Thursday. Luckily, I have a lot of things I can work on for work to keep my mind preoccupied some.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
We have 5 frosties!
I recieved our call this morning. We were able to freeze five embryos. Hopefully, this is a good sign of things to come.
Monday, December 10, 2012
IVF calculator
IVF.ca Pregnancy Due Date and Fetal Development Calculator | ||||
Congratulations, you should be 2 weeks, 5 days, pregnant! | ||||
| First beta: | ||||
| Singleton Due Date: | August 28, 2013 | |||
| Twins By Ave Gestation: | ||||
| Triplets By Ave Gestation: | July 10, 2013 | |||
| Quads By Ave Gestation: | July 03, 2013 | |||
| Embryo Retrieval and Transfer - By standard traditional measure you are beginning the third week of pregnancy and the two-week wait to confirm it. | ||||
| ||||
| December 06, 2012 Embryo Formation | December 12, 2012 Implantation Start | December 16, 2012 Implantation Complete | ||
| ||||
| Begin 2nd Trimester February 13, 2013 | Begin 2nd Trimester February 23, 2013 | Begin 2nd Trimester March 04, 2013 | ||
| Begin 3rd Trimester May 29, 2013 | Begin 3rd Trimester May 27, 2013 | Begin 3rd Trimester June 01, 2013 | ||
Typical Prenatal Testing Periods | ||||
From
|
To
| |||
| January 30, 2013 | February 13, 2013 | |||
| February 06, 2013 | February 26, 2013 | |||
| March 13, 2013 | March 27, 2013 | |||
| May 08, 2013 | June 05, 2013 | |||
Approximate Stages of Embryo/Fetal Development | ||||
| Cardiac Contraction Begins December 28, 2012 | Limb Buds Forming January 01, 2013 | End Embryo Stage January 16, 2013 | ||
| U/S Heartbeat Detected January 09, 2013 | Brainwaves Begin January 22, 2013 | Essential Structures Complete January 30, 2013 | ||
| Movement Begins February 27, 2013 | Fetus May Suck Thumb April 24, 2013 | Maternal Sounds Recognized May 08, 2013 | ||
Found this great calculator at http://www.ivf.ca/duedate.php
I know I shouldn't be obsessed, but I can't help it. This kind of relaxes me as I know that implantation hasn't even started, which helps keep me chilled in the whole notion of when to test or not to test. Of course, seeing all this info, based on my egg retrieval lets me know that it may not have even be done implanting until the end of the week. Obviously, it is way to early to know if this worked, so here's to the best.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Transfer Day
We had our transfer today. We had two 8 celled embryos, 1 7 celled embryo, 1 6celled embryo, 3 5 celled embryo and 1 four celled embryo. They transferred the two 8 celled, and now we wait to see if the others make it to freezing. I'm really praying that this works for us. I think I'm going to have to give up facebook for a while. Everyone is freaking pregnant, and I'm happy for them, but it makes me sad about own situation.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Fertilization Report
They retrieved 17 eggs. Out of the eggs, 12 were healthy. With the help of ICSI, 11 have been fertilized. Kind of excited!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Egg Retrieval Day
Had to be at the doctors by 8:15AM, without drinking anything. I'm half fish, because I love drinking water. I was a lot lessed stressed than I imagined. They called me back. When I had to change into my gowns, there was a wall that said, "I am one with my ovaries and at peace with my uterus." I kind of felt that way. I know we are doing everything we can.
They were able to retrieve 17 eggs, and it looks like 14 were good quality. So now I wait until tomorrow to get the fertilization report.
During this time, B had his fun in a cup. He's been taking vitamins for the past 3 months that are suppose to improve sperm quality, county, and motility. His motility had improved, but his quality drastically shot down. Usually, he has 12% normal morphology which is in the borderline abnormal stage. Today, it was only 1%. That really sucks, because part of me was hoping that as time moved on and his balls had longer time to heal from the variocele removal the better his sperm would be, and perhaps we might be able to actually find out what it's like to have an accident. The results kind of reaffirmed the fact that that specific hope needs to float away.
I think part of it is having family members who don't understand the numbers game with play with our sperm analysis. We get to hear things like sure you'll have ivf now, but I can see in a couple years you having accidents. Yeah right! Part of me feels like I let my family down because I can't conceive the natural way.
Don't worry, I post tomorrow after I get the fertilization report.
They were able to retrieve 17 eggs, and it looks like 14 were good quality. So now I wait until tomorrow to get the fertilization report.
During this time, B had his fun in a cup. He's been taking vitamins for the past 3 months that are suppose to improve sperm quality, county, and motility. His motility had improved, but his quality drastically shot down. Usually, he has 12% normal morphology which is in the borderline abnormal stage. Today, it was only 1%. That really sucks, because part of me was hoping that as time moved on and his balls had longer time to heal from the variocele removal the better his sperm would be, and perhaps we might be able to actually find out what it's like to have an accident. The results kind of reaffirmed the fact that that specific hope needs to float away.
I think part of it is having family members who don't understand the numbers game with play with our sperm analysis. We get to hear things like sure you'll have ivf now, but I can see in a couple years you having accidents. Yeah right! Part of me feels like I let my family down because I can't conceive the natural way.
Don't worry, I post tomorrow after I get the fertilization report.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Drug Related Meltdown
I'm suppose to do the trigger shot tonight at exactly 11 PM. I cleaned the countertops, and was getting all my ducks in a row. Grabbed my bag I took to the doctors so they could draw up my hcg trigger, and low and behold my syringes are gone. I begin to bawl (I'm pretty sure it's the hormones) because I screwed this up. The only thing I can think of is when I gave them the hcg if it accidently fell out at that point. Luckily, MIL is a nurse and SIL is a vet, so I'm able to get a syringe, but seriously?!
Egg Retrieval Date Set
Today we went into the doctors. Looks like I have 8-10 follicles per ovary. They are perfect sized, so I'll take my trigger shot tonight and we'll have the egg retrieval on Wednesday.
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