As the years roll on, I have a stronger desire to please my parents. I want to make them proud which contradicts with my hellsome attitude as a teen. My parents mean so much to me, and I never want to do anything to cause them grief. I did enough of that as a teen.
Sometimes, infertility sucks, because (even though it is never acknowledged) part of you feels like you let others down. Part of me feels like I let my partner, and my parents down. I know they (especailly mom) gets disappointed with each failed cycle, and part of that breaks my heart. I am preventing my mom from experiencing grandmotherhood. I feel like a failure- not just in my eyes. I know my parents probably don't think this, and this is strictly my thinking. Yes, I admit, infertility doesn't always cause you to think rationally; why else would anyone pee on a stick more than once a day.
Then there are other events in your life, where you think of what want, but you are secretly terrified of your parent's response. It could go positive, but it could also go negative. Are all dreams worth chasing? I feel like I one regret, and that is settling. I feel like I have settled, and I continue to try to warp or mold something into what it is not. I've been thinking about this for a while, and I am scared. I have settled into a career that is comfortable, but is it my dream? What if my dream is not be accessible? What if my dream isn't a guarantee? Do you still chase after it or do you let some things drift away?
You are not the only one who feels this way. I feel it often especially after a failed cycle or when we are out to dinner and my Mom introduces my sisters and their kids and then me. I feel like the failure who couldn't give her grandkids. Yes, infertility makes you have irrational thoughts but at least we all have them together!
ReplyDeleteInfertility has a tendency to make us question everything in our lives. I know that deep down, you know that your parents aren't disappointed in you, just disappointed for you. But I hear what you're saying. It's really tough.
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