Update; countdown to turkey day

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything.  I thought my blog was lost in cyber space after Google's page changed.  I couldn't figure out how to find my blog.  Luckily, someone recently posted a comment and I realized not all was lost.

Our little turkey is due on Thanksgiving.  We have a lot to be thankful for.  Right now, time seems to be going by rather quickly and slowly.  I went to the doctor on Friday and I haven't started to dilate or soften. 

I have found out some more information about all the miscarriages we have had.  My current doc gave his theory that it comes down to genetics.  40-60% of people of the MTHFR genetic issue; I happen to be in the 4-10% category that has two screwed up parts on my chromosome.  The doc believes my hubby probably has an issue with it and when we procreate if it has three screwed up parts on the chromosome it means the baby is not suitable for life.  This is a logical answer and helps to address the uncertainty; however, it also confirms that odds are we are not done having miscarriages.

Pregnancy Update

This Thursday, I have ten weeks left until our due date.  I'm excited because I can't wait to meet her.  Below is picture of me, and had I not had the 3d ultrasound a couple weeks ago, I would be pretty sure I was growing a watermelon. 

Update

This is my little bump.  At 18 weeks, I'm starting to look a little more pregnant!  Today we will be seeing Harpyr via ultrasound.  Since we had an early ultrasound to determine the sex, I'm kind of worried about there being a mistake. 

Also, I never realized how much your boobs will grow!  I'm only 20 weeks and already up two bra sizes- to a DD!  This is crazy.  I'm a little scared if it will get bigger than this?  My sentiments are if the size isn't in a Jackson 5 song, then it really isn't a bra size.  :) 

I believe I felt the baby move this morning.  It kind of felt like an air bubble shifting back and forth a little below my belly button.

Update- 15 weeks 2 days

I have been avoiding updating my blog for some time.  Part of me feels guilty, well actually a big chunk of me.  I am very estatic that we are pregnant, but I know how it feels to read the blogs of others who are and then you start to wonder when will that be me.  To be honest, pregnancy has been harder than I antcipated and I guess this adds to the guilt.  I am super happy to be pregnant, but throwing up and nausea was really hard; it reminded me of when my gallbladder up and died.  Thankfully, this is starting to tone down a bit.  Not liking this bit of pregnancy makes me feel extremely guilty.  I am super excited for this little monkey growing in me, but the guilt has kinda of made me a little MIA.

Yesterday, we went in to have an 3-D ultrasound done for early gender determination.  I learned a lot about my darling at this session.  First, they had a good shot of inbetween the legs, and I was looking.  It looked like a very visable vagina to me, and sure enough it was.  She told us it was definitely a girl.  So now I have a name, Harpyr Ann to call this little diva.  First she kept moving away from the probe, then she had a huge dramatic temper tantrum.  Fists clenched and back was arching.  Then she decided to stick her finger up- one finger in particular.  Yes, my child has already managed to flip us off- should I be scared?  I kind of am, because she gets that from me, and it was confirmed she will be my pay-back child.  It's amazing how long legged she is.  Then she started posing for the camera.  There is one picture of her putting her fingers toward her mouth and she is puckering up- we call this her marilyn monroe pose.   I am so excited.  I can't wait to meet her.

Graduation

Baby is waving at the camera!  The ultrasound went really well.  This was our last visit for now at the RE as we graduated to a regular ob-gyn.  I will see them at the end of May.  It was amazing to see such growth.  I had a scare last week with a little bit of spotting and cramping.  Spotting was attributed to the progesterone irratating my vagina.  Cramping is probably ligament pain.  The baby was dancing and waving at the camera- a ham already!  It's amazing to see the growth.  The first ultrasound, it looked like a gummy bear.  The second, it looked like a shrimp.  The third, a teddy bear, and this time, a baby.  I feel completely blessed.  I am so thankful for this- appropriate considering the due date is Thanksgiving.

Oh yeah, and I offically announced it to the world today on facebook.

Leave

Dealing with infertility can exhaust all leave that has been saved up.  Now that I am pregnant, I have been taking leave without pay half days to attend appointments every two weeks.  I received approval from the superintendent and explained to the office manager what was going on.  Well, you can imagine my surprise when after my principal signed my leave slip, the following was written:  You need to schedule these appointments out of school if possible.  First, I have to drive over 50 miles to get these appointments with my RE, then they have the same office hours as the school's hours.  I repressed the urge to repond with:  "No shit Sherlock- unfortunately, it's not possible douche!"  I always schedule my appointments for the afternoon, so I only have to take a half day.  It was really annoying, and it still pisses me off.  Grrrr!

8 weeks 6 days

We went to the ultrasound on Monday, and everything is still on target.  The HB is 170 still.  Everything is going great.  I am exhausted, so this will be kept real short.  I have another ultrasound May 6.  Thanks everyone for the kind words and encouragement!

Infertility Awareness Week

I am eternally grateful for my blogging community.  Community is the key word.  Blogging has allowed me the opportunity to not feel alone and given me the strength to fight this battle.  I appreciate everyone in my blogging community: my readers and the bloggers I follow.

7 weeks

I am officially 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  We will have another ultrasound on April 22.  I have had the following symptoms- food aversions, sore boobs, nausea and fatigue.  Over the weekend, I have enjoyed a lot of naps!  I am so grateful for this blessing, and I pray it continues on.  Sometimes, I feel a lot of guilt.  I hate being nauseated, and everytime I feel naseasated, I feel guilty for not enjoying it, because there is someone out there would love to experience this; it's the two sides of me-infertile me and pregnant me.  I am really anxious to get past the first trimester, I feel like I am completely walking on eggshells and would love the chance to take a breath.  I am so happy for  pray that each one of my blogging sisters out there will get an opportunity to experience this; until then, much love and prayers for them.

6 weeks 4 days

I went for my ultrasound appointment.  Baby was measuring exactly on target at 6weeks 4 days.  There is only one gummy bear.  TBH, I was a little disappointed two didn't make it, but I know this is safer.  I was amazed at the heartbeat.  You could see it just a pulsing.  This baby had a heartbeat of 170.  I was supper excited about that!  I have another appointment in two weeks.

A Personal Spring

 

As you can tell from the pictures, I'm like a damn dog when it comes to peeing on things-only the fire hydrant are these wonderful little sticks. I might have an obsession, but partly because of my fear.  This is probably only a fraction of the sticks I have used during this entire process, so I will eventually need to buy some stock in First Response.   Some people may think I'm crazy, but today is the first day I haven't peed on a stick at least once.  As you can tell, I typically peed twice a day.  I am completely afraid that I will lose that line. 

 

I know I am jaded.  I remember the first time I saw a positive stick, I was so excited, but by the end of weekend it was stolen from me.  I know each day is precious and tomorrow is not a guarantee which sucks.  I wish I could continue with the niave innocence, but everybody's journey is different.

 

I am also afraid because I have had a few symptoms, but they come and go.  It certainly does not consist of my throwing up my insides each minutes, or being exhausted where I fall asleep doing things, and my boobs aren't Dollys.  Sure, I get nauseated, sure my veins on my body is becoming a map, sure I'm tired, and sure I love fruit, but none of this seems to slap me in the face and scream, "I'm pregnant."  This scares me. 

 

I'm afraid of jinxing myself.  I haven't told many people, because I'm afraid I'll jinx it.

 

As days pass on, I start to feel better about this, but it takes time.  I pray at the ultrasound they find some healthy looking embryos and some healthy heartbeats.  That is my next hurdle.  I'm am truly grateful for this pregnancy and I pray that it sticks.  Yesterday when I peed on a stick, my pregnancy line was extremely dark compared to the control line- this made my day.  This is my personal spring of hope.  I sighed in relief, and I began to believe this may actually work. 

2nd beta

This morning I had my second beta drawn.  I knew I needed it to double.  I needed it to be at least 820 since Friday's was 410.  I had been annoying the doctor's office all day, because it was so important.  I told Brandon, I would be really happy if it was 1000.  Guess what?  My beta was 1407.  I'm praying this one sticks!  The next hurdle is the ultrasound on April 8.

Doctor's Appointment

I cannot begin to explain the gratitude I feel for the infertility community.  During the last couple days, I have received all kinds of encouraging words and well wishes.  I don't know where I'd be without this community.

Today was the day.  We went to the doctor, and I passed the first hurdle!  I passed the urine test, and the beta for today was 410.  I'm praying this one is going to stick around. 

I began peeing on the sticks a week ago.  On Saturday, I go my first BFP, but I was anxious for my period to arrive.  I've had this happen before- get a positive- get hopes up- period arrives.  I've lost before, so I have been scared.  This is the highest beta I have had which makes me so happy, but I also know I am not in the clear.  The next hurdle will be the beta test on Monday.  Then the ultrasound on April 8.  If this one sticks, the due date will be November 28.

Also, if any of my family members are reading this, please keep this on the downlow.  I would like to tell Grandma and Grandpa when I'm there. 

3dp5dt and 3dp6dt

The above are pictures of our embryos.  The top one was frozen at five days.  The bottom one was frozen at 6 days.  The embryologist showed us where the baby is developing; they are the cluster cells in each of the pictures above.  She also showed us where the placenta was developing; it's surrounding the rest of the circle.  The top one looks like it was starting to hatch, but who knows.  Both of the basts were graded AA; the embryologist said they were beautiful.  Hopefully, this will work for us.  If it does and both of them stick, I wonder if one will always measure a day ahead. 

I've been on bed rest, so tomorrow, I head back to work.  We have our blood test on Friday, March 22.  I keep waiting for something to smack me in the head and confirm it worked, but nothing so far.  I'm officially 3dp5dt and 3dp6dt; so needless to say- this is going to be a long two week wait (I'm so glad I've had plenty of practice).

I wanted to do a shout-out to all the wonderful women on here.  I have been overwhelmed by the support and encouragement.  I just wanted to say, "Thank you" to each and every one of you!

FET

Tomorrow, I go to have my FET done.  I'm excited!  The procedure is followed by three days of bed rest, so I bought a crap ton of books.  Some of the books are about my professional aspirations, some of them of junk reading, some of them deal with hobbies.  I should have a rather enjoyable bedrest.  Here's to hoping the two little embryos thaw perfectly, continue to develop, implant and continue to grow into healthy babies.

I met Ms. Mom of the Year

Standing in Walmart check-out lane, it's amazing the things you see/hear/question.  I'm checking out, and this woman behind me, Ms. Mom of the Year has a cute kid in the cart.  He looks like he's about one year old, and Ms. Mom of the Year gives her child a Hershey's Cookies and Cream candy bar to hold.  The child being like any other toddler decides to begin to chew on the wrapper.  After five minutes of doing this, Ms. Mom of the Year snatches the candy bar and snarls, "I'm getting tired of you; you really irratate me."  I slowly felt my blood pressure rise correction: my blood pressure rose like the nation's debt- yep that fast!  Instead of acting on my visions of grabbing her from the back of her hair and slamming her Mom of the Year face on my knee repetitively, I was good.  It's moments like this that make me bitter when I see other people not fully appreciating.  In my mind, I see this woman squirting kids out like sharts, and I really struggle to even get one.  Yes, I might be bitter, and my thoughts not always rational, but it's how I feel at the time.  :)

Everything is a-go!

I had my appointment today, and my lining looked good.  The doc even said she could see some of the mucus in my uterus.  "Is that good?" I asked.  She said it meant the estrogen was working.  We will be doing the FET on Monday.  They put the stitches on my cervix so they can position is correctly when they do the FET.  I definitely preferred them doing that when I was a sedated.  I cussed a little bit today, but it'll be ok.  I've only had small amounts of bleeding, so everything should be good.  I start the crinone gel tonight, and the steroid and antibiodic tomorrow.  We shall see.  I think I have accepted that I have no control on this cycle.  Either it will work or it won't and there's nothing I can do about it.  Now I just wait.

Everything is going be alright

The doctor's office called.  They needed me to come in early because our doctor has a surgery scheduled, and if I need a stitch, he's the only one that can do it.  Since I have a very tilted uterus, I have a history of getting a stitch, they needed me to have my appointment in the morning.  Luckily, today is a snow day, so I don't need to stress about getting sub-ready lesson plans complete by then.  I'm back to relaxing.

This week's score thus far:
Autumn-1  and Estrogen-1230483957

Emo

I don't know if it is the extra estrogen, the lupron or what, but I'm emo lately.  I have been so emotionally charged; it's crazy.  The docs left a message today, to reschedule my lining check that is on Thurs to earlier in the day-WTF?!  I called back and left a message to see if we could still do it in the afternoon.  The wanted to reschedule it for 10:30.  I have already taken a half day and cannot leave work until 11:30.  I've been feeling so indifferent about this cycle-bam something out of the blue happens and I'm an emotional wreck.  I just feel like nothing is coming together and perhaps this is  a sign for the whole cycle.  This cycle had to be changed orginally; everything was delayed by a week.  I will take off the whole day if I have too, but I don't feel comfortable doing that.  I'm going to be taking off plenty of days whenever we do the FET.  I've already used a total of 13 days (many of these half days), and I'm out of sick days.  All next week will be unpaid.  I know money seems so trivial right now, with how much we have spent thus far, but it's fustrating to change something so last moment, to lose more money and to have to change plans.  I'm just really fustrated right now. 

Thursday is the day

Can you tell I'm starting to get excited?  Counting down the time until the lining check.

I want to make my parents proud

As the years roll on, I have a stronger desire to please my parents.  I want to make them proud which contradicts with my hellsome attitude as a teen.  My parents mean so much to me, and I never want to do anything to cause them grief.  I did enough of that as a teen.

Sometimes, infertility sucks, because (even though it is never acknowledged) part of you feels like you let others down.  Part of me feels like I let my partner, and my parents down.  I know they (especailly mom) gets disappointed with each failed cycle, and part of that breaks my heart.  I am preventing my mom from experiencing grandmotherhood.  I feel like a failure- not just in my eyes.  I know my parents probably don't think this, and this is strictly my thinking.  Yes, I admit, infertility doesn't always cause you to think rationally; why else would anyone pee on a stick more than once a day.

Then there are other events in your life, where you think of what want, but you are secretly terrified of your parent's response.  It could go positive, but it could also go negative.  Are all dreams worth chasing?  I feel like I one regret, and that is settling.  I feel like I have settled, and I continue to try to warp or mold something into what it is not.  I've been thinking about this for a while, and I am scared.  I have settled into a career that is comfortable, but is it my dream?  What if my dream is not be accessible?  What if my dream isn't a guarantee?  Do you still chase after it or do you let some things drift away?

The plan this week

On Wednesday, we go to the doctor to do a lining check.  I'm definitely not as stressed.  Mostly, I think this isn't going to work; I think I'm trying to protect my heart.  Every once in a while, I get excited at the possibility.  Who knows. 

I will post more as I know more.

Have you ever just had one of those days?!

Today at school, I found out my other coworker who went through IVF after me is pregnant.  So I personally know two people who went through IVF and got pregnant their first time.  Does this happen to me- absolutely not!  I kind of feel alone, which is why I guess I am so appreciative of the blogging community, because I know bloggers who have had failed IVF.   Part of me says, "I'll get my turn," buyt unfortunately, having babies isn't about turns and fairness. 

I'm so fustrated and bitter!  Part of me looks for some kind of reason, some kind of something that I can have control of, but there's nothing.  Part of me questions his existance; if you know that pain I feel and have felt; this agonizing hell- how can there be this spiritual being in charge of this, and what did I do to deserve this?

I would like to be optomistic about my FET in couple of weeks, but I don't think it's going work.  Why would it?

The other day, when I wrote about my bloody fiasco with the injections, turns out I hit a blood vessel which resulted in a galaxy of a bruise.  Sure enough, guess what I did today.  Same damn thing, just the other side!

I'm over today!

We will blame this on hormones not neurological issues...

Today, I don't have to take BCP, but I have to continue to take my Lupron.  Does anyone else have issues with a small rash after administering it?  Anyways, on to my crazy story.  So here I am analyzing my drawn needle.  Yes there is an air bubble!  It freaks me out!  What if this air bubble causes my to die?!  My husband reassures me that this is only going into the skin and not a vein so it really doesn't matter.  Thoughts of my luck rush through my head.  I picture this little needle piercing my skin, and my rolling viens roll towards the needle- hell, it's my kind of luck.  My husband gives me that look that says, "No babe, you do not have testicular cancer.  I'm being ridiculous.  So I inject the meds, and when I pull out the needle, sure enough a bubble of blood follows.   Horrified!   My kind of luck!  Once I wipe it with a paper towel, I can't seem to figure where the blood came from- not even a little scratch.  This evenings episode is brought to you by Lupron- it's just a hormone.

Stopping BCP!

This week, I stop taking birth control pills-yeah!  Luckily, I have not had all the bleeding on them like I've had in the past.  I should be getting AF on the 21, and I will start my estrogen.  I will still be shooting up with the Lupron.  On March 7, we go in for an ultrasound to check the lining and such.  I should have my FET the following week.

The support I had received from the blogging community is amazing.  So if you are reading this, know I think you are amazing and thank you!

About to begin a new cycle

I'm about to start a new cycle.  I begin the Lupron this week and stop BCP in a week.  I more at peace with this coming up cycle-maybe because I'm not engorged in it at the very moment!  I kind of feel like it is going to work or it is not.  I really have no control over this. 

I've been reflecting on my pregnancies and miscarriages, and I really don't know if I have been any more successful since beginning fertility treatements.  I remember the first time I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't doing anything special- not watching what I was eating or anything, other than timed intercourse- and I got pregnant.  I was even smoking.  When I found out, I quit and I haven't smoked since.  Sometimes, I wonder if the cigarettes are what caused the miscarriage, but then I see the other miscarriages where nicotine wasn't a factor.  I wish I know without a doubt what was wrong with me?  But I don't.  The doctor seems to believe it is mostly male factor infertility, but what about all the chemical pregnancies.  Would that not indicate some kind of problem on my end?  I wish I knew the answer, but I don't. 

Infertility has torn through my life- a tornado of sorts- leaving me mostly destroyed.  I wish I had control and the answers, but I don't.  I'm learning to accept this.

I survived a baby shower last week for a coworker.   I did spend some time, wondering if I'll ever have one, who knows.

I don't really know if I'm excited, but I don't have all the emotions.  My hopes aren't up like they usually are, and granted this may change once I begin the cycle.  A part of me just doesn't want to hurt.

I've been thinking a lot about a lot of different things.  I'm working on writing several novels.  The muses are surely talking to me.  I've also been thinking about when we do have kids, do I really want to be at work?  As hard as it has been to get them here, do I really want to waste anytime away from them growing up?  It's hard because of finances and such, but I think if we could get out debts paid off we would be ok.  So that's what I'm working on.

Liebster Award

My blogging friend, Risa nominated me with a Liebster Award.  I'm going to be honest, this is not the first time, but this is the first time, I realized there are directions.  Yes, it's a little sad I know. 

 About the Award:

This award is given to new or up-and coming-bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another. What a fun way to get to know other bloggers!

If you receive a nomination, there are a few rules to follow:

1) Each blogger nominated must post 11 things about themselves.
2) Then answer the 11 questions the tagger has asked.
3) Blogger must then create 11 questions of their own to ask the bloggers they decide to nominate.
4) They must choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate and link them on their blog post.
5) Bloggers must be notified of their award!
6) No tag backs

11 Things About Me:
1.  We have 3 horses: Rebel, Spook and Jitter.  Spook and Jitter were rescues that our neighbors abandoned. 
2.  My husband is a detective and I really admire him for it, but sometimes, I think his cases affect me than they affect him.  For this I have a lot of respect and admiration for him doing his job, because I couldn't do it.
3.  My husband and I went to Disney World for our honeymoon and my parents went there for their honeymoon as well, so I kind of see it as a good luck charm for our marriage because my parents have been happily married since the 70s.
4.  I am working on Dave Ramsey's debt snowball.
5.  I have a bin of things for my future child, and lately, I have been mourning the fact that I may never be able to have my own child.
6.  I really want to experience pregnancy.  I want to experience bonding with this being before they are even born.  I feel like this is so magical.
7.  I met my husband while working at Sears.  He worked security and I worked the jewelery counter.  He still remembers what I was wearing the first time he saw me.  :)
8.  I just painted my room lavendar! 
9.  I am trying to lose weight, but yoga saves me from my anxiety.  After my first miscarriage, I was diaganosed with IBS, and yoga keeps that in check!
10.   I have an amazing family.  We always go to my mom's and dad's  on Friday to have dinner and watch a movie or play a game.  I love them so much!
11.  I love York peppermint patties.  In fact, today I had a coupon for some, so I bought some.  MMMMM!

11 Questions Risa asked:

1.  What is your favorite holiday? 
I'm torn between Christmas, because I enjoy the whole family atmosphere, and fourth of July because I enjoy the patriotism and summertime associated with it.

2. Are you a morning person or night owl?
I am definitely a night owl.

3. What was the greatest moment of your life?
I feel like the greatest moment of life has yet to be determined; however, I have many great moments such as been marrying my husband and building our house.

4. Why do you blog?
It's my therapy.

5. What is your favorite waste of time?
Watching TV, riding horses, and just spending time with people I love

6. What is your favorite book or movie?
My favorite book is Fay by Larry Brown.  My favorite movie is Now and Then.

7. When was the last time you cried?
I cried yesterday.  I think I could probably cry everyday.  I'm doing the best I can coping with infertility, and some days I'm just too numb to cry.  Yesterday, it was a mixture of how cruel life can be.  Somebody is naming their second kiddo a name that I always wanted for a boy, so it hit home.  Then there was this case in the news about this piece of crap father who abused and murdered his 1 month old.  I just don't understand what a 1 month old can do to provoke this kind of behavior.  Here you have father who easily had a kiddo, and he killed his child.  I would kill to just to be able to have a baby.  It breaks my heart.  Infertility sucks, and some days are better than others.  Oh shit, I started tearing up writing this.

8. What causes are you passionate about?
I'm passionate about discussing infertility and miscarriages because I feel like so many people are unaware and/or ashamed.  Also, I think its important for people to get their cats spayed or neutered. 

9. What did you want to be when you grew up?
I've wanted to be it all.  I wanted to be a teacher, news anchor, writer, journalist, actress

10. Beer, wine, or hard liqueur?
Red wine please.  I love me some merlot and cabernet.

11. What was the most important lesson you have learned in life?
I think the lesson that I have had the hardest time learning and I'm still learning is that I do not have control over everything.  I am kind of a control freak, and not having control can be very debilitating, so I am trying to learn to let go of what I cannot change, and of course accept that I do not have control over some things.


My 11 Questions for my Nominees:

1.  What been a recent flattering moment for you?
2.  What's the best piece of advice you have ever been given?
3.  Dogs or Cats?
4.  What do you do to relax?
5.  What's been one of the most difficult moments you have had in your life?
6.  What's been one of the most proudest moments you have had in your life?
7.  What's your favorite TV show?
8.  Everyone has a unique talent, what would you say yours is?
9.  Do you have any pets?
10.  When was the last time you laughed?
11.  Do you prefer lifting weights or doing cardio?

Who I've nominated:

1.  Mommy Someday at http://waitingformybaby2012.blogspot.com/
2.  Bea at http://birdsbeas.blogspot.com/2013/01/going-overboard.html
3.BWeezy at http://whatsupwithmyovaries.blogspot.com/2013/01/excuse-me-im-rambling.html
4. Katie at http://www.fromiftowhen.com/2013/01/strange-times.html
5. Sharon at http://ova-achiever.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-boy-responds.html
6. Marcie at http://marcielovesmoos.blogspot.com/2012/12/one-day-workup.html
7. Laura at http://theadventuresofaninfertilemyrtle.blogspot.com/2013/01/post-traumatic-pill-popping-cycle.html
8.  The Redhead at http://cristaleen.blogspot.com/2013/01/saying-goodbye-to-2012-with-smile.html
9.  Jenni at http://unconceivablyblessed.blogspot.com/2013/01/things-that-make-you-go-hmm.html
10. Shopgirl at http://fertiledreams2012.blogspot.com/2012/12/2013-astrology-glimpse-of-hope.html
11.April at http://cd1again.blogspot.com/2012/11/letter-to-myself.html

There probably won't be many updates

There probably won't be many updates over the course of the next month.  I'm trying not to think about babies, pregnancy, and the lack thereof.  Right now, I'm currently on birth control to get ready for our FET.  I begin the Lupron in February.  Until then, I've been enjoying a normal sex life.  It does come back, whodathought? I've also been working on working out and being healthy for me.  I've started doing yoga again, and man it makes me feel so much better.  I can feel it in my neck when I get tense, and I cognitively pull my shoulders down.  I just wanted to let everyone know the reason for the lack of updates.