Have you ever just had one of those days?!

Today at school, I found out my other coworker who went through IVF after me is pregnant.  So I personally know two people who went through IVF and got pregnant their first time.  Does this happen to me- absolutely not!  I kind of feel alone, which is why I guess I am so appreciative of the blogging community, because I know bloggers who have had failed IVF.   Part of me says, "I'll get my turn," buyt unfortunately, having babies isn't about turns and fairness. 

I'm so fustrated and bitter!  Part of me looks for some kind of reason, some kind of something that I can have control of, but there's nothing.  Part of me questions his existance; if you know that pain I feel and have felt; this agonizing hell- how can there be this spiritual being in charge of this, and what did I do to deserve this?

I would like to be optomistic about my FET in couple of weeks, but I don't think it's going work.  Why would it?

The other day, when I wrote about my bloody fiasco with the injections, turns out I hit a blood vessel which resulted in a galaxy of a bruise.  Sure enough, guess what I did today.  Same damn thing, just the other side!

I'm over today!

We will blame this on hormones not neurological issues...

Today, I don't have to take BCP, but I have to continue to take my Lupron.  Does anyone else have issues with a small rash after administering it?  Anyways, on to my crazy story.  So here I am analyzing my drawn needle.  Yes there is an air bubble!  It freaks me out!  What if this air bubble causes my to die?!  My husband reassures me that this is only going into the skin and not a vein so it really doesn't matter.  Thoughts of my luck rush through my head.  I picture this little needle piercing my skin, and my rolling viens roll towards the needle- hell, it's my kind of luck.  My husband gives me that look that says, "No babe, you do not have testicular cancer.  I'm being ridiculous.  So I inject the meds, and when I pull out the needle, sure enough a bubble of blood follows.   Horrified!   My kind of luck!  Once I wipe it with a paper towel, I can't seem to figure where the blood came from- not even a little scratch.  This evenings episode is brought to you by Lupron- it's just a hormone.

Stopping BCP!

This week, I stop taking birth control pills-yeah!  Luckily, I have not had all the bleeding on them like I've had in the past.  I should be getting AF on the 21, and I will start my estrogen.  I will still be shooting up with the Lupron.  On March 7, we go in for an ultrasound to check the lining and such.  I should have my FET the following week.

The support I had received from the blogging community is amazing.  So if you are reading this, know I think you are amazing and thank you!

About to begin a new cycle

I'm about to start a new cycle.  I begin the Lupron this week and stop BCP in a week.  I more at peace with this coming up cycle-maybe because I'm not engorged in it at the very moment!  I kind of feel like it is going to work or it is not.  I really have no control over this. 

I've been reflecting on my pregnancies and miscarriages, and I really don't know if I have been any more successful since beginning fertility treatements.  I remember the first time I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't doing anything special- not watching what I was eating or anything, other than timed intercourse- and I got pregnant.  I was even smoking.  When I found out, I quit and I haven't smoked since.  Sometimes, I wonder if the cigarettes are what caused the miscarriage, but then I see the other miscarriages where nicotine wasn't a factor.  I wish I know without a doubt what was wrong with me?  But I don't.  The doctor seems to believe it is mostly male factor infertility, but what about all the chemical pregnancies.  Would that not indicate some kind of problem on my end?  I wish I knew the answer, but I don't. 

Infertility has torn through my life- a tornado of sorts- leaving me mostly destroyed.  I wish I had control and the answers, but I don't.  I'm learning to accept this.

I survived a baby shower last week for a coworker.   I did spend some time, wondering if I'll ever have one, who knows.

I don't really know if I'm excited, but I don't have all the emotions.  My hopes aren't up like they usually are, and granted this may change once I begin the cycle.  A part of me just doesn't want to hurt.

I've been thinking a lot about a lot of different things.  I'm working on writing several novels.  The muses are surely talking to me.  I've also been thinking about when we do have kids, do I really want to be at work?  As hard as it has been to get them here, do I really want to waste anytime away from them growing up?  It's hard because of finances and such, but I think if we could get out debts paid off we would be ok.  So that's what I'm working on.