Piss on Hope: Update on life

I do it every month.  I pee on that stupid little stick!  We are blessed with a beautiful 21 month old and I forgot.  She mended my broken heart and yet I wonder how could  have been so stupid?!

I thought maybe everything would have worked itself out after finally giving birth.  After several months, nothing happened.  Of course, we would have to see the fertility doctor.  We had three frosties on ice, so we made a plan to do a FET. 

It worked.  We were pregnant.  I started peeing on a stick three days after and on the fourth day, I began to see a positive result.  We had blood drawn.  High HCG level.  We had another HCG drawn- it didn't double, but it did rise.  "That's a pretty good rise," the doctor said on the phone.  My heart was uplifted by the doctor's comments.  My head was adamant about this being a bad sign.  I was hopeful.  I thought maybe I wouldn't have another miscarriage; we were successful in our last FET. 

The bleeding started.  The cramps ensued.  HCG dropped.  Only one full day of tears.  Part of me felt use to it- at least that's what I told my husband.   This was the first miscarriage that really affected my husband.  Before, he didn't know what he had lost.  Now that we have Harpyr, he mourned a dream.

We made another appointment with the doctor.  They recommended a fresh IVF with PGS than transfer once we received the results.  I was living on this game plan, this agenda.  We schedule our consult appointment.  I called ARC; it's how we financed our first IVF.  We were going to complete the retrieval in October.  "You were denied."  WTF?!  ARC uses NBT now as oppose to PNC.  When we were first approved a couple years ago, my credit wasn't the greatest.  It was 684.  I payed the debt off.  Now my credit is 721 and I was not approved because I don't have enough experience with revolving credit.  WTF?!  I thought it would be a good thing not to have a credit card.  It's disappointing.  I didn't ever think this hurdle would come our way.

Our house is on the market.  We plan to see it and use the money we make from it to do one more IVF with PGS.  I know there is a possibility, but I would love to be pregnant and deliver a healthy child.  The bond that begins before they even breathe their first breath of air is such a miraculous feeling.  I can't help my bitterness towards some people.  I can't help but question the existence of god.  I can't help but question why? 

Right after our miscarriage, my husband was called to a nonresponsive infant.  He tried CPR, but could not resuscitate this baby.  The baby was severely beaten by his father.  The baby was on life support and deemed brain-dead that night.  I can't help my bitterness towards some people.  I can't help but question the existence of god.  I can't help but question why?

Update; countdown to turkey day

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything.  I thought my blog was lost in cyber space after Google's page changed.  I couldn't figure out how to find my blog.  Luckily, someone recently posted a comment and I realized not all was lost.

Our little turkey is due on Thanksgiving.  We have a lot to be thankful for.  Right now, time seems to be going by rather quickly and slowly.  I went to the doctor on Friday and I haven't started to dilate or soften. 

I have found out some more information about all the miscarriages we have had.  My current doc gave his theory that it comes down to genetics.  40-60% of people of the MTHFR genetic issue; I happen to be in the 4-10% category that has two screwed up parts on my chromosome.  The doc believes my hubby probably has an issue with it and when we procreate if it has three screwed up parts on the chromosome it means the baby is not suitable for life.  This is a logical answer and helps to address the uncertainty; however, it also confirms that odds are we are not done having miscarriages.

Pregnancy Update

This Thursday, I have ten weeks left until our due date.  I'm excited because I can't wait to meet her.  Below is picture of me, and had I not had the 3d ultrasound a couple weeks ago, I would be pretty sure I was growing a watermelon. 

Update

This is my little bump.  At 18 weeks, I'm starting to look a little more pregnant!  Today we will be seeing Harpyr via ultrasound.  Since we had an early ultrasound to determine the sex, I'm kind of worried about there being a mistake. 

Also, I never realized how much your boobs will grow!  I'm only 20 weeks and already up two bra sizes- to a DD!  This is crazy.  I'm a little scared if it will get bigger than this?  My sentiments are if the size isn't in a Jackson 5 song, then it really isn't a bra size.  :) 

I believe I felt the baby move this morning.  It kind of felt like an air bubble shifting back and forth a little below my belly button.

Update- 15 weeks 2 days

I have been avoiding updating my blog for some time.  Part of me feels guilty, well actually a big chunk of me.  I am very estatic that we are pregnant, but I know how it feels to read the blogs of others who are and then you start to wonder when will that be me.  To be honest, pregnancy has been harder than I antcipated and I guess this adds to the guilt.  I am super happy to be pregnant, but throwing up and nausea was really hard; it reminded me of when my gallbladder up and died.  Thankfully, this is starting to tone down a bit.  Not liking this bit of pregnancy makes me feel extremely guilty.  I am super excited for this little monkey growing in me, but the guilt has kinda of made me a little MIA.

Yesterday, we went in to have an 3-D ultrasound done for early gender determination.  I learned a lot about my darling at this session.  First, they had a good shot of inbetween the legs, and I was looking.  It looked like a very visable vagina to me, and sure enough it was.  She told us it was definitely a girl.  So now I have a name, Harpyr Ann to call this little diva.  First she kept moving away from the probe, then she had a huge dramatic temper tantrum.  Fists clenched and back was arching.  Then she decided to stick her finger up- one finger in particular.  Yes, my child has already managed to flip us off- should I be scared?  I kind of am, because she gets that from me, and it was confirmed she will be my pay-back child.  It's amazing how long legged she is.  Then she started posing for the camera.  There is one picture of her putting her fingers toward her mouth and she is puckering up- we call this her marilyn monroe pose.   I am so excited.  I can't wait to meet her.

Graduation

Baby is waving at the camera!  The ultrasound went really well.  This was our last visit for now at the RE as we graduated to a regular ob-gyn.  I will see them at the end of May.  It was amazing to see such growth.  I had a scare last week with a little bit of spotting and cramping.  Spotting was attributed to the progesterone irratating my vagina.  Cramping is probably ligament pain.  The baby was dancing and waving at the camera- a ham already!  It's amazing to see the growth.  The first ultrasound, it looked like a gummy bear.  The second, it looked like a shrimp.  The third, a teddy bear, and this time, a baby.  I feel completely blessed.  I am so thankful for this- appropriate considering the due date is Thanksgiving.

Oh yeah, and I offically announced it to the world today on facebook.

Leave

Dealing with infertility can exhaust all leave that has been saved up.  Now that I am pregnant, I have been taking leave without pay half days to attend appointments every two weeks.  I received approval from the superintendent and explained to the office manager what was going on.  Well, you can imagine my surprise when after my principal signed my leave slip, the following was written:  You need to schedule these appointments out of school if possible.  First, I have to drive over 50 miles to get these appointments with my RE, then they have the same office hours as the school's hours.  I repressed the urge to repond with:  "No shit Sherlock- unfortunately, it's not possible douche!"  I always schedule my appointments for the afternoon, so I only have to take a half day.  It was really annoying, and it still pisses me off.  Grrrr!