A Personal Spring

 

As you can tell from the pictures, I'm like a damn dog when it comes to peeing on things-only the fire hydrant are these wonderful little sticks. I might have an obsession, but partly because of my fear.  This is probably only a fraction of the sticks I have used during this entire process, so I will eventually need to buy some stock in First Response.   Some people may think I'm crazy, but today is the first day I haven't peed on a stick at least once.  As you can tell, I typically peed twice a day.  I am completely afraid that I will lose that line. 

 

I know I am jaded.  I remember the first time I saw a positive stick, I was so excited, but by the end of weekend it was stolen from me.  I know each day is precious and tomorrow is not a guarantee which sucks.  I wish I could continue with the niave innocence, but everybody's journey is different.

 

I am also afraid because I have had a few symptoms, but they come and go.  It certainly does not consist of my throwing up my insides each minutes, or being exhausted where I fall asleep doing things, and my boobs aren't Dollys.  Sure, I get nauseated, sure my veins on my body is becoming a map, sure I'm tired, and sure I love fruit, but none of this seems to slap me in the face and scream, "I'm pregnant."  This scares me. 

 

I'm afraid of jinxing myself.  I haven't told many people, because I'm afraid I'll jinx it.

 

As days pass on, I start to feel better about this, but it takes time.  I pray at the ultrasound they find some healthy looking embryos and some healthy heartbeats.  That is my next hurdle.  I'm am truly grateful for this pregnancy and I pray that it sticks.  Yesterday when I peed on a stick, my pregnancy line was extremely dark compared to the control line- this made my day.  This is my personal spring of hope.  I sighed in relief, and I began to believe this may actually work. 

2nd beta

This morning I had my second beta drawn.  I knew I needed it to double.  I needed it to be at least 820 since Friday's was 410.  I had been annoying the doctor's office all day, because it was so important.  I told Brandon, I would be really happy if it was 1000.  Guess what?  My beta was 1407.  I'm praying this one sticks!  The next hurdle is the ultrasound on April 8.

Doctor's Appointment

I cannot begin to explain the gratitude I feel for the infertility community.  During the last couple days, I have received all kinds of encouraging words and well wishes.  I don't know where I'd be without this community.

Today was the day.  We went to the doctor, and I passed the first hurdle!  I passed the urine test, and the beta for today was 410.  I'm praying this one is going to stick around. 

I began peeing on the sticks a week ago.  On Saturday, I go my first BFP, but I was anxious for my period to arrive.  I've had this happen before- get a positive- get hopes up- period arrives.  I've lost before, so I have been scared.  This is the highest beta I have had which makes me so happy, but I also know I am not in the clear.  The next hurdle will be the beta test on Monday.  Then the ultrasound on April 8.  If this one sticks, the due date will be November 28.

Also, if any of my family members are reading this, please keep this on the downlow.  I would like to tell Grandma and Grandpa when I'm there. 

3dp5dt and 3dp6dt

The above are pictures of our embryos.  The top one was frozen at five days.  The bottom one was frozen at 6 days.  The embryologist showed us where the baby is developing; they are the cluster cells in each of the pictures above.  She also showed us where the placenta was developing; it's surrounding the rest of the circle.  The top one looks like it was starting to hatch, but who knows.  Both of the basts were graded AA; the embryologist said they were beautiful.  Hopefully, this will work for us.  If it does and both of them stick, I wonder if one will always measure a day ahead. 

I've been on bed rest, so tomorrow, I head back to work.  We have our blood test on Friday, March 22.  I keep waiting for something to smack me in the head and confirm it worked, but nothing so far.  I'm officially 3dp5dt and 3dp6dt; so needless to say- this is going to be a long two week wait (I'm so glad I've had plenty of practice).

I wanted to do a shout-out to all the wonderful women on here.  I have been overwhelmed by the support and encouragement.  I just wanted to say, "Thank you" to each and every one of you!

FET

Tomorrow, I go to have my FET done.  I'm excited!  The procedure is followed by three days of bed rest, so I bought a crap ton of books.  Some of the books are about my professional aspirations, some of them of junk reading, some of them deal with hobbies.  I should have a rather enjoyable bedrest.  Here's to hoping the two little embryos thaw perfectly, continue to develop, implant and continue to grow into healthy babies.

I met Ms. Mom of the Year

Standing in Walmart check-out lane, it's amazing the things you see/hear/question.  I'm checking out, and this woman behind me, Ms. Mom of the Year has a cute kid in the cart.  He looks like he's about one year old, and Ms. Mom of the Year gives her child a Hershey's Cookies and Cream candy bar to hold.  The child being like any other toddler decides to begin to chew on the wrapper.  After five minutes of doing this, Ms. Mom of the Year snatches the candy bar and snarls, "I'm getting tired of you; you really irratate me."  I slowly felt my blood pressure rise correction: my blood pressure rose like the nation's debt- yep that fast!  Instead of acting on my visions of grabbing her from the back of her hair and slamming her Mom of the Year face on my knee repetitively, I was good.  It's moments like this that make me bitter when I see other people not fully appreciating.  In my mind, I see this woman squirting kids out like sharts, and I really struggle to even get one.  Yes, I might be bitter, and my thoughts not always rational, but it's how I feel at the time.  :)

Everything is a-go!

I had my appointment today, and my lining looked good.  The doc even said she could see some of the mucus in my uterus.  "Is that good?" I asked.  She said it meant the estrogen was working.  We will be doing the FET on Monday.  They put the stitches on my cervix so they can position is correctly when they do the FET.  I definitely preferred them doing that when I was a sedated.  I cussed a little bit today, but it'll be ok.  I've only had small amounts of bleeding, so everything should be good.  I start the crinone gel tonight, and the steroid and antibiodic tomorrow.  We shall see.  I think I have accepted that I have no control on this cycle.  Either it will work or it won't and there's nothing I can do about it.  Now I just wait.

Everything is going be alright

The doctor's office called.  They needed me to come in early because our doctor has a surgery scheduled, and if I need a stitch, he's the only one that can do it.  Since I have a very tilted uterus, I have a history of getting a stitch, they needed me to have my appointment in the morning.  Luckily, today is a snow day, so I don't need to stress about getting sub-ready lesson plans complete by then.  I'm back to relaxing.

This week's score thus far:
Autumn-1  and Estrogen-1230483957

Emo

I don't know if it is the extra estrogen, the lupron or what, but I'm emo lately.  I have been so emotionally charged; it's crazy.  The docs left a message today, to reschedule my lining check that is on Thurs to earlier in the day-WTF?!  I called back and left a message to see if we could still do it in the afternoon.  The wanted to reschedule it for 10:30.  I have already taken a half day and cannot leave work until 11:30.  I've been feeling so indifferent about this cycle-bam something out of the blue happens and I'm an emotional wreck.  I just feel like nothing is coming together and perhaps this is  a sign for the whole cycle.  This cycle had to be changed orginally; everything was delayed by a week.  I will take off the whole day if I have too, but I don't feel comfortable doing that.  I'm going to be taking off plenty of days whenever we do the FET.  I've already used a total of 13 days (many of these half days), and I'm out of sick days.  All next week will be unpaid.  I know money seems so trivial right now, with how much we have spent thus far, but it's fustrating to change something so last moment, to lose more money and to have to change plans.  I'm just really fustrated right now. 

Thursday is the day

Can you tell I'm starting to get excited?  Counting down the time until the lining check.

I want to make my parents proud

As the years roll on, I have a stronger desire to please my parents.  I want to make them proud which contradicts with my hellsome attitude as a teen.  My parents mean so much to me, and I never want to do anything to cause them grief.  I did enough of that as a teen.

Sometimes, infertility sucks, because (even though it is never acknowledged) part of you feels like you let others down.  Part of me feels like I let my partner, and my parents down.  I know they (especailly mom) gets disappointed with each failed cycle, and part of that breaks my heart.  I am preventing my mom from experiencing grandmotherhood.  I feel like a failure- not just in my eyes.  I know my parents probably don't think this, and this is strictly my thinking.  Yes, I admit, infertility doesn't always cause you to think rationally; why else would anyone pee on a stick more than once a day.

Then there are other events in your life, where you think of what want, but you are secretly terrified of your parent's response.  It could go positive, but it could also go negative.  Are all dreams worth chasing?  I feel like I one regret, and that is settling.  I feel like I have settled, and I continue to try to warp or mold something into what it is not.  I've been thinking about this for a while, and I am scared.  I have settled into a career that is comfortable, but is it my dream?  What if my dream is not be accessible?  What if my dream isn't a guarantee?  Do you still chase after it or do you let some things drift away?

The plan this week

On Wednesday, we go to the doctor to do a lining check.  I'm definitely not as stressed.  Mostly, I think this isn't going to work; I think I'm trying to protect my heart.  Every once in a while, I get excited at the possibility.  Who knows. 

I will post more as I know more.